Sunday, January 20, 2013

Forcing Myself to Find Peace

I realize this statement could be confusing, so let me explain what I mean by this.

Like I said in the previous post, I love what I do (or what I should probably say a field in which I try to stay gainfully employed), but I'm really tired of the employment jerk-around and I'm not sure if I want to put myself through the job-hunt in this field AGAIN.

While I make this decision, though, I still have to finish the contract I'm under with as much enthusiasm as I can muster. So in the meantime, I want to switch my focus.

I tend to focus my self-worth on my hire-ability, just like I focused it on my scholastic achievements as a child. When I went through a period of crippling depression in 7th grade and earned my first Ds and Cs, it broke the dam of self-perfection and while I still wanted to earn good grades, if I knew it wasn't my academic strength I didn't sweat it if I didn't get an A. Unfortunately, when I started getting jobs, I applied that same self-perfection standard to my job hunting and job hiring. For a while, just like in academia, I did well without much effort, but then I entered my current job field and it's just been awful. Despite putting a lot of time and energy into my work, I have yet to find my "home" and instead am always back on the job hunt come the summer. My ego has taken a repeated beating over the last few years, and it's emotionally exhausting.

So I need to "break the dam" on this focus of employment perfection, and shift my focus to my overall life, not just work. I have been living for work (or waiting for work to begin again to feel like I have a life), now I need to live to LIVE. My job is not my life, my LIFE is my "job".

Here's to focusing less on career success (which is obviously NOT going to happen the way I imagined it would), and focusing more on finding passion in living well.

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