Saturday, January 19, 2013

A Moment of Honesty

I received news on Friday that was unexpected and felt like a slap in the face.

It's not the first time this has happened, but there was no clear indication that it would happen again, and rather than be hurt and sad like the previous time, I'm feeling hurt and ANGERED. Angered because this came despite my best efforts to prevent this from happening again, and even with the reception of this news it's been indicated that it's not really that I did anything wrong... but I am still the one being "punished" (as it feels).

Of course, I can't lash out with this hurt, which is really frustrating. I have no real outlet for this hurt and rage, because I have to be a mature, responsible adult. I don't want to be a jerk, even though I feel like I've been jerked around. Turn the other cheek, be the bigger person, etc. I really, really want to be the bigger person and not let it affect me so much.

But I know me, and I know it will affect me. The bitterness will reappear, and hang over my head and... ugh, I just don't want to go through all of this AGAIN. I am dreading the emotional, ego-bruising bullsh** that will result so much that I am honestly considering not bothering again. I'm tired of putting my heart on the line, devoting my time, hoping this time it will stick and believing that maybe this really IS what I'm meant to do only for this to happen again.

I love what I do. I really feel I'm meant to do it. It's possible, though, that the current state of society is contrary to the way I approach my job. It's frustrating and insulting and I'm completely exhausted by the whole rollercoaster. I want to give up.

If we're being honest, though, this same attitude reared its ugly head last time and I said "just one more time" because I'm a masochist, and I really, really love what I do and I want to keep doing it.

I honestly don't know if my heart can take it anymore, though.

So far, step 1 has been accomplished.

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