Friday, August 26, 2011

30 before 30: The ridiculousness of vanity

Tomorrow is the wedding of a friend from high school. I'm not the bride, I'm not in the wedding, I'm simply a guest.

By the time we leave for the wedding Saturday morning, I will have done the following to prepare:
  • 3 different methods of hair removal on 4 different areas of the body
  • painted my fingernails and toenails
  • ironed my dress, and shoved myself into Spanx and a strapless bra
  • Blow-dried my hair
  • put on a full face of makeup
Comparatively, this is the prep The Hubs will need to do:
  • Shaved face other than goatee
  • Iron his shirt (which I'm actually doing, which is fine)
  • shower, comb hair
Guys suck.

Of course, I don't HAVE to do about 95% of what I'm doing to prep for this wedding. After all, it's not MY wedding, I'm just going to watch my friend get married! So why am I going to all this trouble?

Well, let me offer a peek into the way my insane little mind works as to WHY all this effort needs to be made:
  1. This particular high school friend is part of a group that includes no less than 3 gentlemen who have known me in a more than friendly way (If I wasn't a teacher, I would put that in SUCH a more ribald way, damn my public status) that are possibly also guests. 2 of those 3 are guys who I actually had feelings for. One of the rules of womanhood is that all ex-boyfriends MUST regret breaking up with you (or, um, I dumped them... yeah, that's it) every time they see you, and any ex-hook-ups must NOT regret hooking up with you every time they see you. I don't know what's worse; an ex thinking "Thank GOD I jumped off THAT sinking ship" or an ex-hookup wondering what the hell they were thinking going "THERE". I plan to avoid both of those situations. (Just watch, all 3 don't show.)
  2. I didn't go to my 10-year high school reunion because I was unemployed, childless, and fat. It's been 12 years, and I'm again unemployed, childless, and fat. BUT I'm actually less fat right now (yay!), and at least I had a job in between the last high school friend's wedding 2 years ago and this one. However, there will be a lot of people from high school most likely, and I want them to remember me as being gorgeous, witty, and urbane despite my childlessness and joblessness. Yup, I'm worried about the opinions of people I never see, and will probably not see again for years (if ever). 
  3. Most of the high school people that might be there are nerds. Have you ever been the hot girl amongst a bunch of nerds? It's like being a king (queen) among peasants. Now, I won't be the hottest girl there (that position will belong to the bride, who really is gorgeous - T, my friend, scored a hottie), but I at least want to be in the running. It's amazing how male attention changes when they think a girl is hot; I've both been on the receiving end of it AND been ignored for hotter girls. It's interesting. I prefer being on the receiving end of it. 
Yes, these are all completely ridiculous things. The only thing I can control right now in my life is my outside, and when I feel like I look good, my attitude and confidence get the necessary boost that makes me a whole lot more fun to be around. I'm not even meaning this entry as a complaining entry, I just want to point out my own ridiculousness to show you all that I TOTALLY get how insane I am.

Also, some of the girliness is TOTALLY fun. I love how my toenails look when they're painted. They're this perfect shade of pink right now that will look SO CUTE with my pale-green polka dot halter dress and white wedge sandals. So, really, I'm doing all this prep work for my own swollen ego. ;D

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