By the time we leave for the wedding Saturday morning, I will have done the following to prepare:
- 3 different methods of hair removal on 4 different areas of the body
- painted my fingernails and toenails
- ironed my dress, and shoved myself into Spanx and a strapless bra
- Blow-dried my hair
- put on a full face of makeup
- Shaved face other than goatee
- Iron his shirt (which I'm actually doing, which is fine)
- shower, comb hair
Of course, I don't HAVE to do about 95% of what I'm doing to prep for this wedding. After all, it's not MY wedding, I'm just going to watch my friend get married! So why am I going to all this trouble?
Well, let me offer a peek into the way my insane little mind works as to WHY all this effort needs to be made:
- This particular high school friend is part of a group that includes no less than 3 gentlemen who have known me in a more than friendly way (If I wasn't a teacher, I would put that in SUCH a more ribald way, damn my public status) that are possibly also guests. 2 of those 3 are guys who I actually had feelings for. One of the rules of womanhood is that all ex-boyfriends MUST regret breaking up with you (or, um, I dumped them... yeah, that's it) every time they see you, and any ex-hook-ups must NOT regret hooking up with you every time they see you. I don't know what's worse; an ex thinking "Thank GOD I jumped off THAT sinking ship" or an ex-hookup wondering what the hell they were thinking going "THERE". I plan to avoid both of those situations. (Just watch, all 3 don't show.)
- I didn't go to my 10-year high school reunion because I was unemployed, childless, and fat. It's been 12 years, and I'm again unemployed, childless, and fat. BUT I'm actually less fat right now (yay!), and at least I had a job in between the last high school friend's wedding 2 years ago and this one. However, there will be a lot of people from high school most likely, and I want them to remember me as being gorgeous, witty, and urbane despite my childlessness and joblessness. Yup, I'm worried about the opinions of people I never see, and will probably not see again for years (if ever).
- Most of the high school people that might be there are nerds. Have you ever been the hot girl amongst a bunch of nerds? It's like being a king (queen) among peasants. Now, I won't be the hottest girl there (that position will belong to the bride, who really is gorgeous - T, my friend, scored a hottie), but I at least want to be in the running. It's amazing how male attention changes when they think a girl is hot; I've both been on the receiving end of it AND been ignored for hotter girls. It's interesting. I prefer being on the receiving end of it.
Also, some of the girliness is TOTALLY fun. I love how my toenails look when they're painted. They're this perfect shade of pink right now that will look SO CUTE with my pale-green polka dot halter dress and white wedge sandals. So, really, I'm doing all this prep work for my own swollen ego. ;D