Today was an interesting day in contrasts for me.
First, I did my hair and make-up this morning, and wore a cute top. Plus my pants are looser than usual. I was feeling pretty cute when I left for work this morning. Putting in that extra effort makes me feel better about myself, and I'm trying to encourage that in myself, because I'm tired of hating myself when I have no real reason to do so.
Maybe I'm just weird/old-fashioned/flaming hypocrite. When there's no guys around to help me, I will make do as best I can and be proud of it. HOWEVER, I'm still a girl and I still don't have that much in the way of strength (despite my relatively large size), and I prefer to be rescued by a knight in shining armor.
I was struggling with a large, heavy ream of butcher paper. I had four male students with me, and two of my male coworkers were also in the room - they also happen to be the two coworkers I've hit it off with the most and spend a fair amount of hang-out time with when class isn't in session.
As I'm struggling with the large, heavy ream of butcher paper, one of my students (who is a tall, skinny kid who weighs all of 100 lbs soaking wet) is trying to help me... while giving me crap that it's not THAT heavy until he has to put it down because it's heavy. The other students leave because they don't feel like waiting for the butcher paper, apparently *eye roll*, and my two coworkers just STOOD THERE. I even sarcastically called them out on it - and they WAVED HI at me.
I was laughing, but inside I was SEETHING. OMG. Ok, seething is a bit of hyperbole. I guess I'm more hurt than anything. I mean, I didn't expect my students to help me that much - the one that did is a Senior, so he's a little more mature than the others, who were freshmen. What got to me was my COWORKERS. For one, I thought we were friends! Then I realized "Oh yeah, they're still boys. Boys like to be buttheads to their friends."
Then I thought, "OH. MY. GOD. They don't think of me as a girl... I'm their BRO."
This has led to a downward spiral of "I'm not pretty enough for them to consider a girl, that's why they didn't help me!" I'm HOPING that this is stupidity on my part, but it's REALLY bugging me! I mean, why didn't they help me? I'm a girl, dammit! I'm frail and delicate and need help! I'M NOT YOUR BRO.
I know, it's stupid. But it really hurt my feelings. I'm trying to take it as they thought they were being funny, but at the same time... am I so ugly and fat that I don't qualify as a girl anymore? Or are they just guys who don't think half the time? I'm really hoping it's the latter, because my heart hurts at the former.
And again, to show how off-the-wall my brain and self-esteem are: As I was laughing and smiling at something right as I walked by a window and saw my reflection, and thought to myself that wow, I look kinda adorable when I'm smiling and laughing.
I'm still working on that whole "love and respect myself all the time" thing. It's my big problem to resolve.