Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Why Vegans Are Such Pretentious Douchebags

So I finally figured it out - why healthy eaters are so damn annoying.

In order to uncover this mystery, I had to become one. It was a dark, perilous journey, fraught with confronting long-held resentments towards vegetables and exercise (although to be honest, exercise and I are still barely on speaking terms).

Due to my medical diagnoses, I've had to make some changes to my lifestyle and eating habits (Ok, I guess I didn't HAVE to, I could have continued eating terrible and felt like crap all the time). So now I limit my carbs, and when I do eat carbs I try to stick to the healthier ones - the non-refined sugars and flours ones.The exercise is by default - going from sedentary unemployed waste-of-space to on-my-feet-all-day-SUPER-TEACHER sure does burn up a lot of calories as your body struggles to adjust. (Dear god, we've been in school nearly a month and I'm just NOW getting used to it.) I've also taken on a coaching position at the local middle school, which is super fun and adds the occasional light sweat from chasing them around and serving/setting the ball to the girls.

This isn't to say these changes have been consistent (pssh, I basically had my 3-month check-in on Thursday, found out my changes had a very positive effect, and effectively went on a 3-day carb BINGE that made me remember WHY I cut them out in the first place), but for the most part I actually like the changes. I still eat the occasional "bad" piece of food, though, so I'm no angel.

So the other night, as I was chopping up cucumbers and carrots for my salad to serve alongside my oven-roasted wild salmon, thinking about how a few months ago I'd be eating something really bad for dinner, and how great I felt and how I wish I could tell people about these mostly-successful changes but I was afraid I'd come off like an a**hole.

Which is when it dawned on me: maybe this is why everyone hates health-nuts - they get so excited about what they're doing that they talk about it to people who just want to eat their delicious fried food and not have to consider the consequences of their choices, dammit (I know I give The Hubs a "DON'T SAY A G-D WORD" glare when I'm being naughty).

Seriously, this MUST be why vegans tend to be such pretentious a-holes - they just feel so healthy, which means they feel GOOD all the time and they want everyone else to know so they can feel good, too! Apparently, Veganism makes you feel SO EFFING INCREDIBLE that it makes you a pretentious jag who gets off on telling people what horrible meat-eaters they are.

Man, I may be veering towards health-nuttiness but I could never be a vegan. I love cheese too much. Maybe that's the difference - lacto-vegetarians I've met have never been too preachy, and the few Paleo-dieters I know are pretty chill about it as well, but vegans... VEGANS. The few I've met in life have been at best fine to talk to - until food comes up. It just makes me want to eat a big Double-Double Animal-style in front of them, and only Animal-style because it seems even more meat-murderous.

There's no real point to this other than I found my little lightening-strike moment funny, and to share that my healthy habit-changes actually worked. My doctors are really happy with my progress, and it looks like my next 3-month check-in should have more good news should I keep up the good work. =)


  1. I'm glad all your healthy changes have been helping :) That's so great to hear!

    I've gone gluten-free (for the past 4 months) and it's amazing how much less crap I can eat because of that.

    1. I admire the heck out of you and going gluten-free (even if it's out of necessity). Oh my goodness, I already miss bread so much; cutting it out completely as opposed to mostly seems like too much right now for me! Haha.



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