5 Random Things: Heritage

Whooo, 5 Random Things post! Long time no see, randomness.

This time's theme: Heritage! However I want to interpret it, because reasons.

• I am utterly fascinated by genetics. If I had been better at science and I knew what jobs were available to study how we're made up via DNA, I would probably get a job in it. The only thing I really remember, though, is how dominant genes and recessive genes work. Considering brown eyes are dominant and will ALWAYS win over light-colored eyes, the only way light-colored eyes can happen in a child of a dark-eyed parent and a light-eyed parent is if the dark-eyed parent has a recessive gene with their dominant gene. That means my Mexican-American dad with the dark brown eyes has a recessive gene somewhere in his bloodline that allowed me to inherit my German/Dutch-American mom's hazel eyes! WEIRD.
• Speaking of other weird stuff I've inherited, my curly hair is something of an anomaly that we can't exactly figure out WHERE it came from. Mom's hair is stick straight, and my dad's hair is mostly straight as well (there's a very loose wave in it, but having seen him with long hair I would not call it "curly" or "wavy"). Our suspicion is that I have a trait that skipped a generation - my maternal grandpa had a very distinctive wave in his hair (but it wasn't long enough for us to tell), and my paternal great-uncle also had a wave in his hair... so it's from SOMEWHERE, but we're still not sure from where!
• I'm totally angling to inherit the ring I borrowed from my maternal grandma for my wedding; she had it made from her engagement and wedding ring. My grandpa and she were married for over 50 years when he died in 2003. My mom currently has it, and as long as I don't piss her off, I should get it. It's more for sentimental reasons than for money reasons; our family has so few passed-down heirlooms that I want all I can get (so I can lock them away forever!)
  

  

  The ring - I wore it on my right pinky finger for my "something borrowed"

• Do you know the difference between ethnicity and race? I didn't for the longest time - I used to get so confused on forms when it asked if I was Hispanic/Latino (which, as a 50% heritage, would be a yes), then ask me what my race is - and my only option was "white, not hispanic". It was like, whaaaaaa? So it turns out I'm racially white and ethnically hispanic/latino and caucasian. SO CONFUSING. Plus according to the U.S. Census, Hispanic/Latino IS considered a different race. WHAT THE HECK. This is the burden of multi-racial kids - having to pick a side. 
• When I fantasize about what our kids will look like, should The Hubs and I be so blessed as to have them naturally, we have decided that we hope our kids inherit The Hubs' lovely blue eye color and totally adorable dimples along with my eye shape and chubby cheeks. Both of our smiles are nice, so we're not being picky, and we're both brunettes so our kid would be stuck with that hair color (but will probably start out blonde like we both did). It's nice to fantasize about. 

I mean, come on, look at how cute we were - how could our (hopefully future) kiddos NOT be adorable?

Moi at 1-2 years old

The Hubs at 1 year old

What I've Learned After 6 Years of Marriage

If you know who made this/said this, tell me!

I would never DARE to claim to be a marriage expert, nor a perfect wife. Far from, in both cases. Anything I've learned about marriage has been through observation, experience, and my own mistakes. I feel, though, that we have a successful marriage so far. The Hubs and I have been friends for 12 years, romantically involved for 10.5 years, and married for 6! This is what I've learned in that time, through our own missteps and watching other long-term couples. (The Hubs didn't contribute, but I might do a follow-up with his opinions added.)

• Keep some mystery alive - in other words, pee with the door closed. I'm totally serious. IMHO, it kind of kills the sexy/romance if you've seen them do their "business". Grossness can't always be avoided (see: when one of you is sick and needs assistance), but avoiding it when you have the option makes the most sense to me.
• Have fun with each other! Being playful and flirty is part of the fun of being in a relationship - marriage or long-term commitment doesn't have to kill that fun! Be careful though with teasing; I was raised where "teasing" was quite cruel even when it was funny. My mom pointed out how mean I was to The Hubs early in our relationship, and I had to work on taking the venom out of my jokes. He likes that I can sass back, though, so we found our happy medium and rarely do the jokes lead to hurt feelings.
• Use your manners! I think when you live with someone full-time, you start to forget that they're someone who deserves basic human respect. It's not an intentional cruelty, it's just... well, you don't say "please" and "thank you" to yourself, right? So it kind of makes sense how one might stop doing it to their S.O. I don't think people realize how much it means to others when we show the basic human respect of saying "please" and "thank you". I mean, we say these things to the barista handing us our Starbucks, extend that same courtesy to your mate. 
• It's the little things that matter! The Hubs is way better at this than I am, but I'm trying to match up. He always asks if I need anything when he's already up; I'm trying to return the favor (it doesn't come as naturally to me). One of us will ask the other if they need us to stop anywhere on our way home, e.g., The Hubs will pick up my prescriptions at Wal-Mart if I need them since it's on his way home from work. Those little moments add up and bring the happy feels up when you think of your mate. 
• Make "Couple Time" a priority. I'm not saying co-dependency, I'm saying make little niches of time in your life to talk/spend time with each other. Sitting in the living room staring at the boob tube/playing on the computer doesn't count; I'm talking actual conversation. It doesn't have to be hours on end; 15-30 minutes of just catching up on your day is enough. Bonus points for cuddling or touching in some affectionate way during this time. We also "tuck into bed", which is where we cuddle in bed for a little while before one of us (or both) go to sleep. We used to do it every night, but over the years we've winnowed it down maybe 3 times a week. It really works for us, because it's just time for us to cuddle and talk/laugh/be silly. It doesn't usually even lead to sexy times, it's just something we do and it helps keep us connected. Do your own thang and be your own person, but be sure to share that awesome person with your partner at least a little bit somewhat frequently!
  

  

  The Hubs and I, seconds after we were made official - LOOK AT US WE WERE BABIES OH MY GOODNESS!

• Sex is important. Talking about sex openly is equally important. I don't have kids, so I'm not EVEN gonna TRY to suggest how to incorporate sex into life with kids (Hell, I might be desperate for that advice myself once kiddos are in the picture!). My focus is more on talking about sex with your partner, and trying to find mutual comfort zones so your needs are met. Sexual intimacy adds a lot to a relationship, and when that area isn't healthy, it can negatively affect other parts of the relationship. I'm trying to keep this PG, so without going into personal experience, these are the three most important things I feel are important for keeping your "relations" mutually satisfying:

1. Talk about what you want/want to try/don't want - but talk about it when you're not naked. Best time is when you're both relatively calm and nowhere NEAR anything sexual happening. It can be awkward, but it's important to do!
2. Be ok when your partner says "No" - and exercise that right when you need to also. It's hard because sexual rejection is, well, rejection and no one likes rejection! However, sometimes it's just not good timing for sexy times, and as long as it's not EVERY TIME you or your partner tries to put on the moves, it doesn't mean your partner's not attracted to you (or you to him/her). (If it IS every time, see #1.)
3. Sex is not dirty (unless you're doing it in mud)! It's one of the best parts of being coupled, IMHO - someone to have fun with in a very sexy way! Let go and have fun (once you've talked about what you're both comfortable with and what you want to try)! What you two do in the boudoir is YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS, and whatever you consider "normal" is normal; nothing is "weird" if you both like it!

• WALK AWAY when anger starts to turn into a fight. I have a fiesty Latina temper, while it takes The Hubs more time to get going (but once he does, watch out). We're not the best at this because sometimes the anger hits so fast we don't have that moment to take a breath and walk away, but IF you can, step away. This does NOT mean ignore the problem; it means walk away until you can discuss the problem rationally. I have literally put myself in time-out when I know my anger is irrational/unfair/ridiculous until I can calm down and talk it out without lashing out. Also, suck it up and apologize when you're the a**hole - even if you're not the only a**hole. Once you're both calm enough to talk about it, apologize for your part. 
• Also, side note: IMHO, it's not an apology if you add a "but" after it. Like, "I'm sorry what I said upset you, but you're constantly late." THAT'S NOT AN APOLOGY, that's another fight-starter. If you still can't talk without anger/hurt feelings, WALK AWAY. 
• Find at least one thing your partner is passionate about that you don't mind participating in. Most likely, you both will have at least one passion in common; something had to draw you two together (aside from raw sexual magnetism, OBVIOUSLY). However, you are not going to like everything your partner loves, and vice versa. Expecting that of them is setting both of you up for frustration and disappointment. (This is something The Hubs and I learned the hard way, and lead to some very serious and scary talks, even.) So try to find something you can enjoy with your partner - you don't have to be at the same level of enthusiasm, but don't participate in a passion that you find utterly boring, either.
  For example, The Hubs' main hobby is sports: watching, listening to radio shows, and playing. We joke that I'm a "sports widow", but he HAS compromised a lot in regards to TV viewing and his obsessions so I don't feel that "widowed". ;D My compromise in this area is that I enjoy attending sporting events with him; I'm not AS excited about basketball and I hate football, so I'm not usually present for those, but I enjoy baseball games (go SF Giants!) and through The Hubs I have become a HUGE (for me) hockey fan (SHAAAAAAARKS!).
  For a long time, this effort on my part went without balance from The Hubs. While he loves all my creative pursuits, they just aren't his thing. When I met someone (non-romantic) who actually liked a lot of the same arty/nerdy things I liked, it was a wake-up call and led to those aforementioned serious/scary talks. This has to be a mutual thing; one person can't do this while the other doesn't extend the same courtesy. The Hubs has in recent years "returned the favor", so to speak, by accompanying me to theater performances, museums, and the like (and to be fair, I try to find things I think he'll like, such as "Avenue Q" and museum exhibits he'll also find semi-interesting). I know he's not having THE BEST TIME EVARS at these things, but I know he's not usually completely bored, either, and I try not to abuse the privilege; The Hubs extends the same courtesy. 

HOLY CRAP I have a lot of opinions on relationships. It feels to me like I'm bragging or trying to pretend my marriage is perfect; it's not meant to be bragging, because The Hubs and I are human and we are fallible and make mistakes. I simply feel that The Hubs and I have weathered a fair amount of storms, and while there are some areas that we could probably still use some professional help in improving, most days we are happy with each other even when our outside circumstances are rough. The stuff listed above is a huge contributing factor to this mutual happiness and love. If someone reads these thoughts and finds something useful, then hopefully this will lead them to strengthen their own relationships just a little bit more. :)

The Hubs and I at a friend's wedding last November, looking older and wiser (and sexier, let's be honest)

*The Hubs graciously let me post pictures of us; his main concern was, "You're not going to post pictures of us doing illegal stuff or anything, right?" Well, not NOW, fun-spoiler. 

I may have linked up at: 

Six Sisters' Stuff

A Morning "Date Night"!

So we live in Northern California. This past Saturday the estimated high in our area was 108 degrees Fahrenheit.

108. 


So The Hubs and I wanted to do something over the weekend, but the heat made it look unlikely as we are delicate flowers who wilt easily in the heat. Then The Hubs mentioned that he'd been wanting to try going to a local bakery that specializes in fancy donuts, and suggested that maybe we check out our local farmer's market on Saturday. So we decided it would be nice to combine the two, and to do it early in the morning so we can avoid most of the heat wave!

So the date was to check out the bakery, then take our wares to Starbucks to get some cold coffee drinks and eat our purchases. Finally, we'd head over to our local farmer's market and buy some of the local goods!

It ended up being a GREAT idea! We were home by 10 a.m., but we still felt like we'd gotten a lot done and we had a nice morning together!

Our mini-box of donuts and an ice-cold coffee w/ milk!

Yes, that's BACON on the donut!

Our Farmer's Market spoils! Organic tri-tip, organic smoked Jersey Jack cheese, Ranier cherries, and pretty flowers!

We came home and enjoyed the A/C. I ended up doing some cooking (I made Asian Peanut Noodle Salad for my gaming group that night) and playing on the internet while The Hubs re-watched episodes of "The Wire". We're very exciting young marrieds, as you can see. But we still feel like we had nice day out, despite the early hour.

Linked up at: 

Six Sisters' Stuff

Mars and Venus Butting Heads

So apparently this year is going to be a pattern of crappy work week ends with a bug of some sort. It's not quite bubonic plague like the last time, it feels more like a mild case of the black death. I think I'll be able to go to work on Monday, but OF COURSE it would be the weekend of The Hubs' bday.

LUCKILY, his actual PARTAY won't be until NEXT Saturday, because his BFF J was out of the country until tonight and he wanted J there. But still, I wanted this weekend to be one big celebration, and instead we've been at home all day because I'm sick.

But here's the thing: That's just fine with The Hubs. He's a homebody, it's a major sports weekend for him (Warriors in playoffs, Sharks' last season game and just recently made the playoffs, Giants are the Giants), so he bought himself some fancy brewskis and has been allowed free reign of the TV and he is a happy camper. Plus we splurged on our favorite pizza place for pizza and wings for dinner, so he is a happy, happy guy! On his actual birthday tomorrow, we're going to meet our new softball team to practice (which he's so excited about), then go to the local minor league baseball game (which is really fun - it's a nice stadium and they're a good team). The capper is a Warriors playoff game and his favorite meal for dinner - Gourmet Chicken. :)

I was worried he'd feel let down, but he's feeling anything but. We celebrate things differently; I like a big fuss, he's much more of a mellow guy. Hell, I had to convince him to have a birthday party! But I'm not allowed to decorate or make "foofy" food, and there's only one party game allowed (because it's Battleshots and we've been wanting to play it FOREVA).

So it doesn't make sense to ME, per se, but he is happy and that's all that matters. I have to confess that I was actually getting frustrated with some of his choices and requests. For example, I wanted to buy him something for his birthday, and he told me exactly what he wanted. This drives me nuts because WHERE'S THE SURPRISE IN THAT, but that's just how he is - get him what he wants, and he'll be happy. Makes perfect sense to him, but frustrates me (I'd been planning to buy him a bday message at the minor league game, but he somehow figured it out and told me he wouldn't like that; great to know, but I was pissed it ruined the surprise). Also, the softball practice threw off my other secret plan to cook him breakfast in bed due to the time of the practice, but ultimately he loves playing baseball/softball and that is what matters most. I realized that I was making his birthday more about ME and I needed to build a bridge and get the f*** over myself. I'd say I'm about 95% successful; I get his logic behind it but I still don't understand why he prefers things this way. :)

That said, the reason I wanted this bday to be so perfect is because I love him so much and he deserves the best; if this is his definition of "the best", then that just makes him even BETTER because I barely have to lift a finger!

Can you believe this adorable little stinker is 30 years old tomorrow? Crazy! He's even cuter now, believe it or not. 

Note to Self #8973938724973

No matter how tired you are, NOTHING tastes better and soothes the soul more than a home-cooked meal.

Even when half the ingredients came from a can. STILL SOOTHING.

The secret is in finding those shortcuts. Monday was all out of a package, I'll admit (smoked sausage, baked beans, and frozen broccoli for something green), but Tuesday was no processed foods (cheeseburger soup with frozen brocc and cauliflower, yum!). Wednesday was a frozen dinner because I was too tired and The Hubs wasn't going to be home anyway, but today was enchilada casserole made using leftover slow-cooker chicken taco meat.

I came home in a for-no-reason PMS rage mood, and started cooking immediately because if I didn't do it first thing it wouldn't happen. Ended up snapping at The Hubs because I warned him that I was in NO MOOD and then I had a rude response to a completely innocent comment he made, which he (understandably) called me on... which resulted in his head being bitten off by my praying mantis of bitchiness. (He has since gotten it back and we've made amends.) I slammed around making the meal, slammed it in the oven, and was calm enough to apologize. 30 minutes later, hot bubbly cheesy Americanized-Mexicany goodness was ready and WE FILLED OUR BELLEHS.

I am already feeling better, The Hubs is happy to be well-fed again this week, and our pocketbooks remain undented (which is good, because the IRS has been bending us over a LOT this year, ugh). Oh, AND I have lunch tomorrow! Everybody happy!

Honestly, I feel a little pride each time I do cook at home, knowing I was a mutha-f***in' adult and cooked like a grown-up instead of wasting money on fast food. Since I've been cooking at home more often, I've been feeling better about myself more often. It's a nice trade-off.

What Works For Me: The Buddy System

photo from thecampuscompanion.com - found via Google. Please don't sue.

The Hubs puts up with a LOT from me (disclaimer: in MY opinion he does, but he would probably dispute this). I'm a bit of a mental mess at times, as I'm sure I've mentioned before. The most dangerous combo is that I'm easily overwhelmed and I tend to be a perfectionist.

Seriously, yesterday I finally wanted to prepare adobo pork chops that I had planned to prep when I bought them 6 days ago; I left them in the fridge thinking I would get to them soon. Every day I glanced at them, saw they were still pink and assumed they were good. Now, I had a pack of turkey sausages on top of them (which also still looked good), so I only saw the rim of the chops. Pull them out yesterday, saw that the meat had turned GREEN. GREEN. So my damn procrastination resulted in my wasting $9 worth of meat. I paid the joint account back from my own fun money, which The Hubs thought was more than fair, but I could not let it go the rest of the night. Hell, I'm STILL thinking about it, obviously, because I'm so mad that I let this happen. The Hubs was over it about 1 minute after I told him - he was more bummed because it meant we wouldn't be having the chops for dinner.

Anyway, the above is just an example of the head-space The Hubs has to deal with. As I mentioned many moons ago, I had several large projects I wanted to tackle once a week as one of my goals. I didn't get rolling until The Hubs suggested that if we did it first thing in the morning that Sunday, he'd be happy to help. I thought that was a great idea - we already share the chores of dishes and laundry (he washes, I put away for both), and it makes the chores less daunting and annoying to me. So that's how we finally got the Xmas stuff put away (on St. Patrick's Day *sigh*) - and it felt so good that we both decided to tackle one more chore on our own, and I later went grocery shopping because I felt so productive!

We've done it several times since then - we schedule a start time and choose one project or room to focus on, and work together to get it done. It's becoming an almost-weekly thing, and it's nice because sh** is getting done around the apartment and it's slowly becoming much more hospitable. Love it!

Obviously this system doesn't work on the reg if you don't have a live-in buddy, but it can still be a good idea; my friend JS helped her friend pack for moving by helping the friend organize with lists, and even going over to help pack as well (because JS is awesome at it - I totally plan on recruiting her when we eventually move). Someone to help you out when a task seems so big is a huge weight off the shoulders and allows for the task to actually get started. Everything's easier to tackle when there's a team, right? I'm especially grateful to have someone who is willing to tackle these big, scary tasks with me and be my cheerleader. I'm a very lucky woman, and hey, our home is getting a little bit better every week!

Today was the fridge/freezer - fridge had gross stuff, freezer was so packed with crap that we were in constant threat of a broken toe and it was driving The Hubs nuts. Took us 30 minutes, then Hubs washed out the salvageable containers while I menu-planned; I'm going to attack last week's chore of switching pantry for cabinets (I'm moving pots/pans, dishes, and tupperware [today's attack] into our massive pantry and the non-perishable food where  the dishes/pans were - much less room for wasting food, much more room to see all the pots/pans I have at a glance! I LOVE IT), then I'll run to the store for the week's food and a treat to enjoy my double-feature of "Game of Thrones"/"Mad Men"!

It feels so good to start my week off productively. Such an improvement from me of even two years ago!

Entitlement and Self-Care

One of the hardest things to do.

As I've hinted before, The Hubs and I are having issues at work. To sum up, we are feeling overworked, under-appreciated, and underpaid.

You know, like most people in America.

To be honest, though, we're both having to deal with superiors who are making our work environment less than ideal. The Hubs is dealing with a micro-managing situation from a supervisor who is kind of a bully. He doesn't process stress well, and it's taking its toll on him.

It's hard to watch him miserable when he leaves for work, and his shutting down when he comes home. It's even harder to know that he can't just up and quit, and take this whole horrible load off his back.

At the same time, though, he CAN'T. WE can't. We're not independently wealthy, we don't play the lottery (but maybe we should), and our parents can't support us should we up and quit OR lose our jobs... plus we are far too old to be doing such things, dammit. Just because something sucks doesn't mean we can just walk away from our responsibilities.

Yet this seems to be the mentality of our society, and in working with the upcoming generations, this attitude is getting worse and more prevalent. Somehow, we've evolved into this mindset that we're "owed" what we want, and when we don't get it, we sink into this mire of depression and blame someone else. Sometimes, it IS the fault of something or someone else, but it takes two to tango and we are partially responsible for what happens to us.

The frustration is, of course, that it is HARD to willingly stay in a situation that makes you miserable because you are obligated to other things or people, esp. when the only "benefit" you get out of the situation is a paycheck. I hate that I can't find a stable work situation so The Hubs could leave his situation (which is infinitely worse than mine). I hate that the state of education is so unstable in general. I HATE that I know I'm not the only person in my circle of friends who is in a similar situation. We work to enjoy our lives outside of work, but what do you do when your work life makes it hard to even do that?

The only solution I can find is to practice self-care, and to find pleasure in everything outside of work. I'm trying to encourage The Hubs to do the same, but I can't control what he does or how he chooses to handle (or not handle) the stress. All I know is that I feel powerless and like the asshole because I'm asking him to try and find a way he can deal with the stress until he finds something better. It feels like my fault because my chosen profession keeps changing its mind about me, apparently, and I can't provide the financial stability that his job does, and it keeps holding us back from getting a place of our own. So I feel at a stalemate. Again.

I hate my job and dread going, too, but all I can do is find something good in every day and believe that my life is working out as it is meant to. I don't believe in fate, I believe that things work out the way they should if we don't try to fight it too hard. I'm not always successful at finding the good, but at least I know my life outside of work is feeling pretty great. I just wish my husband could find the same semblance of peace.

The Dream

FYI: Not my art - if you know who made this, please tell me!

With the recent disappointment in our employment situations, I've been wondering what to do next. (I'm sure The Hubs is also wondering what he's going to do, but he hasn't confided as such and I know this is an area that he's not up for being prodded.) I love what I do, and this year has honestly had my favorite students ever (in 4.5 solid years of teaching - the 0.5 being a long-term subbing job), but the general state of education and the politics (both in-school and at large) are... off-putting, to say the least. What I'm trying to decide is if it's so off-putting as to make me completely abandon the prospect of continuing in this field. At the moment, it's not, but this changes day-to-day, to be honest.

When I'm driving around, wondering what I want to happen next, this is all I tend to see:

• A decent-sized one-story house with a warm welcoming feel, an open living room/dining room, a nice big kitchen, and lots of windows/natural light in a town or city where are close to loved ones and we like the local culture
• a decent-size backyard for our dog Daisy with healthy grass and several fruit trees; when the fruit is ripe, we'll have a harvest day and all of our friends can come pick their own fruit, and I'll use the fruit to make lemonade and other tasty goodies. We'll have friends over for backyard parties and movie nights, projecting films on a bedsheet when the sun goes down
• a couple of ankle-biters running around being boogers (but they'll be OUR boogers, so it's ok that they're boogers)
• Dropping the kids off, and picking them up from school - and working somewhere part-time in-between
•  Eating a home-cooked dinner at the table, mellow music playing, as a family; Friday movie nights with the kids, cuddling under blankets and on pillows and nibbling on popcorn
• watching our kiddos playing sports or participating in theater/art classes/whatever they're interested in doing
• a craft room for me to play in, and a "man cave" for The Hubs (we'll figure it out, but we both want our own rooms somehow, hahaha)

As you can see, what I dream about isn't my career. I dream about building a life. It's weird, for the last few years with the ups and downs of my career, most of my fantasies were about being a great teacher. I feel like I finally achieved real progress towards being a great teacher this year (and was shown appreciation with a pink slip *sigh*), and I would like to continue working in the education field, but at this point in the game I'm much more concerned with moving towards the other goals I want in life - that we want in life. If I can't have the career and the home life, then I'm choosing the home life.

Now the next step is figuring out how to make that dream a reality; work still plays a part in that, obviously, we just need to figure out how to make this dream a reality. We're working on the "boogers" part, but that takes time and my body not being a jerk. The house is the next part, we just need to get my job to be more steady *sigh* and then figure out where. We're hoping next year... we hoped for THIS year, but once the pink slip was announced we knew it wasn't the best idea; knowing that the next teaching job might result in another pink slip as well is one of the factors that make looking for other work so appealing. Which is a hard fact to consider and accept when I love this job so much, but it's hindering my progress toward what else I want in life.

BUT... my life is not my job, my "job" is to live my life.Or, as Oscar Wilde put it, "I don’t want to earn my living; I want to live."

The Definition of a "Romantic"

I don't consider myself a "romantic". Yes, me, the woman who just posted a Valentine's Day post about how much I love the holiday.

I love love, I love the idea of love, but I don't consider myself a "romantic".

Here's why:

• I'm not huge into romantic comedies - I like some, but my nose typically turns up at them. Same with romance novels, mushy romance movies, and soap operas. Basically, if the focus of the plot is mostly around a relationship, I'll probably turn my nose up. 
• While I loveloveLOVE The Hubs, I've seen enough relationship drama and am also the product of 3 divorces (with one of those divorces reuniting, but not without some drama in-between) to know that love is not magic and requires a helluvalot of honesty and hard work. It drives me NUTS to hear people talking about love at first sight, "true love", etc.; it's delusional, in my opinion.
• I am also not super-schmoopy - I am guilty of being physically affectionate (with The Hubs and my friends - I'm a hugger!), but when it comes to my words and verbalizing my emotions... not so great, and it kind of makes me uncomfortable. Yes, even when The Hubs says sweet things - of which he does often. If I'm in the right mood, it's lovely, but if I'm not I'm all awkward and weird. 

All that said, it surprised me when my gal pal recently told me that she considered me a "romantic". Granted, we've only known each other over the last two years (so we're still getting to know each other in some regards), so there might be just her not knowing my real opinions on love (as seen above). But maybe I am, by her personal definition.

I define a romantic as basically the opposite of everything I listed above - loves the idea of romantic love in all forms of entertainment, super-schmoopy, buys into BS like "the one", isn't happy unless they're in a relationship. I am none of those things.

My gal pal has only known me while I've been the wife to The Hubs, though, and when we're together we're pretty cuddly, and I do speak quite highly of him most of the time. So in that respect, if that's how my friend defines "romantic", then yes, I am a romantic!

As with most of life, labels are how the person defines them. I don't fit my definition of the "romantic" label, but that doesn't mean I can't be romantic to my honey. I thought I did pretty sweet for V-day; The Hubs was quite happy and felt very loved. Just because I don't consider myself a romantic doesn't necessarily mean I'm not one, nor does it mean being a romantic is a bad thing!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Ah, love. Today is the day to celebrate ALL types of love, IMHO.

As a teenager, I HATED Valentine's Day as I was a perpetually single gal (Ah, the shallowness of teenage boys *sigh*). Then, my Junior year of high school, when I was still relatively new at the school, a group of new friends included me in their Valentine's Day celebrations. It was simply giving me a card and a carnation, but it totally brightened my day and I never forgot it, and the fact that there was nothing romantic involved but I could still celebrate other people I loved. Ever since, I've enjoyed Valentine's Day as a way of celebrating EVERYONE I love! Not every year, but most years I send out Valentine cards to my family and friends. Typically my mom, my grandmas, and my best gal pals. One of these years, I'm going to organize a Galentine's Day celebration.

This year's batch of Valentine's, made by MOI

Then in 2003, Valentine's Day got a whole lot sweeter when The Hubs agreed to be my Valentine. :) We were friends and coworkers for a year and a half prior, and we'd been flirting for the last half-year when, at the end of January 2003, I worked up the nerve to ask The Hubs out. We hung out after work, and I used the smooth line of asking if he'd be my Valentine that year. He said yes, we had some beverages while watching "Chasing Amy" and making out a little. (Funny sidenote: YEARS later he admitted that when we ran into each other on campus the next day and it was kind of awkward, he was considering breaking it off with me because he didn't want to ruin our friendship. Luckily for both of us, he either thought better of it or wussed out ;D)

We still consider Valentine's Day to be our official first date, even though we were already hanging out fairly regularly by then as a couple (but we were still keeping it on the DL from our coworkers 'cuz they were a bunch of gossips, and we also were still keeping things at the make-out stage because we didn't want to rush/possibly preserve friendship if we changed our minds). Our date was a movie followed by dinner cooked by me! The movie was "Daredevil"; the reason for choosing THAT gem was due to me being a huge fan of the comic book and having high hopes for the movie (which they did NOT meet). Man, The Hubs still hasn't let me live that down. The movie was a dud, but the meal was NOT.

I tried this recipe for the first time because it was easy and sounded good. Luckily it was both, and to this day it is The Hubs' favorite meal that I cook. I've made it so often that I actually have the recipe memorized. It's called Gourmet Chicken, and to be honest it's not gourmet but it's quite rich and tasty.

This V-day will be our 10th V-day together! The Hubs has requested his favorite dish to commemorate the occasion, and I am gladly obliging. I'll also be making chocolate fondue for dessert with pound cake and strawberries for dippin'. And, of course, sparkling wine! Yum! For my V-day gift to him, I bought us tickets to our local minor-league professional hockey team, which we'll go to on Saturday. Whooo!

If you're curious for the recipe for Gourmet Chicken, here it is!

Doggy Motherhood

So as I may have mentioned before, you know, just in passing, that I'm a mother. Well, a dog mother. Well, a dog OWNER (The Hubs hates when I refer to Daisy as "our child", although he seems to have made his peace with it xD).

But lookit that PUNIM, how can you not want to claim that cuteness as your own?

Ooof, those big brown eyes, they kill me.

Anyway, it's really difficult having the world's cutest dog, I assure you. ;D In all seriousness, though, I kind of look at our dog ownership as practice for a kid... which means when I feel like Daisy's not happy that I'm failing as a "mother" (which is probably why The Hubs isn't a fan of my calling her our "child", 'cuz she's a DOG).

To be fair to myself, I think she's a happy dog. She's fed, groomed, and cuddled regularly. But there's things that I worry about, where I feel like I'm "failing" her:

• When my back's hurting (or when I'm cranky and don't feel like it), she only gets about a 15-minute walk at a time. She goes out about 3 times a day, but I try to make at least one of those times a half-mile loop, which is at least 20+ minutes. The last week or so I haven't because I strained my back and I'm still recovering, but I feel like I should tough it out. I was walking her for a near-mile loop at one point, and I want to get her back to that. 
• She's not as socialized as she should be, and I feel awful about that. She barks at other dogs when we're out if I don't see the other dog in time and stop her. To our credit, if I see the other dog in advance, we've trained her to not bark by holding her close and saying "No bark" in a firm voice, and she usually doesn't, and when we've taken her to off-leash dog parks, she's been fine for the most part (but we stopped taking her to our local dog park because she got attacked by a big dog). She's also kind of a bully to bigger dogs that we know, and the stress of it has made us stop bringing her to our friends' homes because we don't want her picking on the big gentle dogs. (I think she's just trying to play, but the particular big dogs don't like it).
• On the weekends, I sometimes forget to feed her for dinner. Breakfast is my habit 'cuz I usually take care of her in the morning and The Hubs handles her in the evening, but weekends get kind of blurred and we'll forget. Just once, and not that often, I swear!
• When I play on the laptop, she just goes and lays down... and apparently I'm on it too much (well, duh), 'cuz when she hears the laptop close, she jumps up and gets all excited, which makes me feel just AWFUL like I'm on it too much and she's feeling ignored. :(

Of course, all these fears about how I "raise" my dog makes me nervous for the next step, which is children. Kids are even MORE time-consuming and demanding, and if I can't even "raise" our dog right, how much am I going to screw up our children?

The Hubs, who is the sane one in the relationship, assures me that Daisy is fine, she's a happy, healthy dog, and that when we have children we will be good parents to them as well. To be fair, I probably AM overreacting (although she does need longer walks - it's good for her AND for me), and a dog is NOT a child (but she IS definitely a member of the family), and doesn't have quite the same demands. I'm glad we didn't have kids earlier in our lives, because I really don't think I would be as concerned back then as I am now, but who knows? Kids change everything, and I look forward to the challenge; as a friend pointed out to me when I mentioned these concerns, the fact that I'm worried about these things before kids are even around means I'll be a good parent. So I'm going to keep that in mind, and work on improving our walking time and weening myself off the laptop. I'm a good dog mom, but I could be a better dog mom, and becoming a better dog mom could help me become a better MOM mom when the time comes.

The Good Things

When one is in the depths of a depression episode, it's not always easy to recognize the good things that are happening. Sometimes it's because those good things seem few and far between, sometimes it's because they ARE few and far between, and sometimes you're just so mired in your own stupid BS that you can't shake yourself out of it enough to see 2 inches in front of you.

Before anyone reading this worries too much, I'm doing ok. My mind is a little depressed, yes, and very anxiou as well, but that's to be expected with me with the onset of the summer - the summer is no longer fun for this oft-unemployed teacher, as it represents financial stress, dashed hopes, and failure. Job hunting sucks, but it sucks even more when your career's job hunt takes place in a 5-month span, and if you don't get a job then you're basically SOL for the next 7 (at least in the career field).

BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT OF THIS ENTRY. Really. It's not. I swear! I hate bemoaning my sadnesses in journal posts - I spent my late teens and most of my 20's doing that, and UGH I'm so bored of it, I can't imagine how boring they are to read. I mention why summers make me a little depressed/anxious so that I can sloppily tie it in to how great my summer kicked off this weekend. :)

My first homemade fruit salad! Watermelon, strawberries, red grapes, and both white and yellow peaches. Yes, it was delish!

What made it so great?

• Sushi date w/ The Hubs - a rare treat. He treated me to the dinner, then I treated him to Big Spoon Yogurt (a local chain of those make-your-own fro-yo places where they have crazy amounts of toppings and you pay by the ounce)! I discovered that Capt'n Crunch cereal is an AMAZING mix-in - it doesn't get soggy!
• Saturday morning at the Farmer's Market, buying those luscious strawberries and peaches as well as some sweet-tart Rainier cherries. The nut guy also had the cheddar-onion pistachios back in stock, so that was a nice treat as well!
• Saturday evening watching "Haywire" and playing Fluxx with our friends the S's - it forced us to clean the house, which took maybe an hour 'cuz we've been keeping it up fairly well still (which is so big for us, we're so grown up now! ;D). I made teriyaki pork in the slow-cooker, which we ate over jasmine rice instead of on buns, and everyone LOVED it. We nibbled cherries as we played our game, then had ice cream the S's brought over for dessert. It was a wonderful evening with wonderful people. =D
• Sunday day-date with The Hubs, a great cheap one - We took Daisy for a longer walk than usual around the neighborhood, then went to the mall together where he indulged my window-shopping and even treated me to a small jar Yankee Candle (as they were having a sale, so it was actually reasonably priced - I got Beach Walk scent, which smells AMAZING btw). We had a late lunch at Sbarro's in the food court. Sunday night was made even better by the fact that it's when "my stories" are on ("Game of Thrones" and "Mad Men" - they both end soon, BOOOO) AND the fact that The Hubs had Monday off, so it felt like Saturday night. 
• Last but certainly not least, The S's had invited us to their little family BBQ for Memorial Day, which is what the fruit salad was for. We've spent time with them and their families before, so it was fun and comfortable. They also shot some BB guns, which means I got more practice as well. I'm a mean shot! It was a great way to end a fantastic weekend. 

So while I only partially mean to brag ;D, I'm writing this here to remind me that there are certain areas of our life that aren't as great as they could be, but there are just as many areas that are kicking a whole lot of butt (in the good way). It's good to put it in writing to prove it to yourself, don't you think?

Considering we've got a trip coming up (Oregon coast, baby!) to celebrate our 5-year wedding anniversary, and are also planning a camping trip with friends, not to mention weekends of swimming and BBQing that typically happen during the summer with friends and family, maybe this summer will kick away the negative connotation it's developed for me and return the nostalgia and romance of this warm, sultry season to my life.

It's definitely a possibility.  :)

A Moment of Happy

Having just come out of a few weeks of crazy/stress/spiritual ugliness (my own), it's so nice to sit here, watching "Troop Beverly Hills" (LOVE that movie), with a warm, sweet dog snoozing in my lap. Said sweet dog pictured below.

What's making me feel so warm and fuzzy? Realizing that, despite the last few weeks trying to convince me otherwise, my life is full of good things. When I'm stressed and unhappy, I forget those things - as do most people, I assume. Today was just a good, good day. Good food, good friends (in person and on the phone), and good times watching good (and so-AWFUL-they're-good) movies.

Today was a good day. Tomorrow promises to be just as good. I just like to take notice of these happy feelings when they happen, so I don't always fall into that trap of negativity to which I can easily succumb.

I said I was back, didn't I? Oops.

Well, I thought I'd be able to post more now that I have a computer, but this was NOT my week. OY. Which was a shame, because I had a really great end of the week last week, which is when I last posted. But the next day happened, and MAN, life just went to Hades, y'know?

Nothing super-major-bad, just... a bunch of little things adding up to one big emotional state. My classes are having their first tests, my temp job is exhausting and causing frustrations for me and my supervisor (who is also The Hubs' besty - it's nothing huge, just my stress was making me snippy and he was frustrated because, well, what dude likes dealing with a snippy girl that he's NOT sleeping with?), I've recently had some medical diagnoses that are requiring lifestyle changes that I'm still dealing with and trying to find my footing, and Valentine's Day had some drama (it's resolved, but still... no one wants to cry on Valentine's Day). Plus all these changes and demands have simply been overwhelming and our apartment is in desperate need of a deep cleaning... but we're so tired when we have time off that, well, we'd rather chill out and enjoy each others company. Not an excuse, just being honest. We still need to be grownups and clean after ourselves.

Things are looking up for this week, though. I took one of the two tests and got a 100%, which is awesome, but this is the class I'm having an easier time with. (Granted, I'm having an easier time with it because the professor is excellent at making her expectations clear and her instructions understandable... my other class is pretty much the textbook example of how college professors don't know how to freakin' teach.) The medical stuff is private (sorry), but be assured I'm not dying or anything anytime soon; however, if I don't make lifestyle changes then my death would speed up, for sure. Not like next year or anything... you get my drift, right? I need to be better about how I live my life. I was doing well, then the stress made me fall back. I did notice how different I feel when I'm not being careful with how I treat my body.

I still have my test in my other class that's stressing me out, but a nice 3-day weekend has been a palate cleanser. Tomorrow is a day for just studying, chores, and errand-running; my tutoring session has been cancelled for the day so my student could have a school-free weekend as well. (His mom requested it, and I wasn't about to fight it, haha!) Which is great, because now I don't have to work towards a deadline that ultimately eats about 2 hours out of my day (1 hour round-trip travel + 1 hour tutoring) which is technically my "day off". So tomorrow The Hubs and I are tackling laundry and dishes, I'm going to the grocery store for the week (I'm still doing the freezer cooking, but this week is NOT the week for the next round of cooking), and I'm going to do some prep work for the stupid written exam Wednesday night (ugh). I'm oddly looking forward to it!

Something of relevance soon, I swear. Sorry, it's just been cray-cray. 

30 AFTER 30: I can't stop gazing at my navel...

I didn't hit the 30 before 30, but I got about halfway! Which is something! It got me posting again, if nothing else. =) Either way, I'm ok with myself. 

You guys. YOU GUYS. Seriously, my navel? Most fascinating thing in the world.


This is my sarcastic way of saying I'm going to indulge in some navel-gazin' up in this beezy. Apologies in advance if you're not interested.

What's on my mind lately:
1. I'm 30! No one died! In fact, things are fairly swell. I'm keeping busy (in ways that get me paid and in ways that don't but I'm having fun), I'm socially active, and for the most part I'm happy. For having been 30 a whole 5 days, it's off to a decent start, considering. If anything, I'm noticing that I'm not working as hard to hate on myself anymore because I'm too flippin' old and it's EXHAUSTING to expend so much energy hating myself; I'd rather be lazy and just accept that I'm awesome in some ways and not-as-awesome in other ways... but that it all averages out to fairly neat-o. =D

2. I am in LOVE with our apartment. It's finally become a home. I don't know why I waited to so long to finally decorate and "move in", so to speak - we've lived here 5 years! (YES, 5, and I've JUST decorated in the last few months!) Actually, considering how we WERE living in it 5 years ago to how we're living in it now shows a ton of growth on our part and I'm super-proud of ourselves for being such "grown-ups" about it. Truth be told, it's a great motivator to clean 'cuz we love how the place looks clean; I came home from my job interview today and did some tidy-up chores instead of hopping on the computer. I felt like such a grown-up! I'll do a post showing off all my hard decorating work soon. But, yeah, I love it and it makes me happy to come home. =D I even want to have friends over, now that I feel like it's hospitable for hosting!

3. 'Cuz I can't have EVERYTHING going well... I have something gnawing at me and I need some advice. I have no intention of this blog becoming SUPER-personal, but sometimes I want/need to talk things out in a public place. No details, no names, and I'm hoping to NOT be one-sided towards myself as much as possible if I'm asking for advice. Like I am now.

Here's the deal: as I may have mentioned in passing, I turned 30 last Friday. In my melancholy towards my birthday and the fact that a fair amount of people I love weren't coming to help me celebrate (they all had valid reasons, but it still hurt my feelings - but I knew it was all in my head and that I'm a big ol' drama queen sometimes), I hid my birthday on Facebook to see how many of my so-called "friends" would remember. To be honest, a decent amount did - I expected maybe 20 people would remember it was my actual birthday, and 15 did (the day of or the day after), so I'll take it. =)

Two people that I consider good friends, though, didn't say anything. Text, email, phone call, NOTHING. In fact, they still haven't. And I am incredibly hurt by this. I'm not expecting a gift or a card, but a simple acknowledgement on the day would have made me felt loved in return... and the fact that it's been almost a week and I still haven't received an apology stings so much more. Because I still haven't heard anything from either person, it's still eating at me.

Now, one of these people is someone that I could interact with possibly soon as there have been prior arrangements made. Previously, we had a situation come up where he unintentionally hurt my feelings, and rather than pout and make passive-aggressive/bitchy comments towards him (as is my tendency when I'm feeling hurt), I took the 5 minutes to calmly let him know what exactly had hurt my feelings and that I figured it was unintentional, but I had to get it out so I could NOT make passive-aggressive/bitchy comments towards him. He took it, he apologized, we were fine! I actually was glad I got my feelings out in a mature way and in a way that didn't immediately put my friend on the defensive. (Of course, now he's on my s***-list for the birthday thing...)

I kind of want to address it with both people in this same way, but I feel like that's rude. I don't want to bitch them out (OK, that's a TOTAL lie, I totally want to bitch them out but I WON'T), but who goes up to someone and says, "Hey, you hurt my feelings because you didn't acknowledge my birthday and I wanted to let you know you hurt me"? At the same time, the passive-aggressive bitch in me wants to ignore any contact from them to punish them, but when has that worked with ANYONE in the HISTORY of time? My suddenly cutting off contact isn't a punishment for them so much as it is for me, and they'll sit there wondering why I'm ignoring them without any explanation - or being given the chance to redeem themselves (if they even want to in the first place).

I'm fairly certain, knowing both guys (yes, they're both boys), that it's more of an oversight than it is a deliberate snub. Part of me IS afraid that it WAS deliberate and that I'M the one not getting the hint... but I'm somewhat certain that's just my own insecurities talking. Mostly certain. Kind of certain? I don't know. THIS IS SO CONFUSING.

Found this on Pinterest, don't know source, I didn't make it - but it's SO fitting.

So if YOU were in the situation (either as the offended or the offending party), what would you do? Would you want to know that you hurt the feelings of a friend if it was unintentional, as long as they told you nicely as opposed to calling you names and shouting? Or would you rather not know and let them make snippy comments at you? HELP ME!

30 Before 30: Ch-ch-ch-changes

All right, time for the "How I've grown in the last 30 years" post. I promise I'll resist the urge to get TOO maudlin. If anything, this post is mainly only of interest to ME, but I still feel it's necessary to recognize how I've changed (for better and for worse) if only to note what needs work and where I'm a-ok.

Of course, the most awkward part of these kinds of entries is where, exactly, to begin. I mean, compared to 29 years and 363 days ago, I've changed a LOT. Now I walk, I talk, I usually don't soil myself. ;D So at what point am I measuring from? Let's say 18. I was technically an adult starting then, at least according to the law, so let's figure out how I've changed since then.

• I'm BETTER about giving too much of myself: I say "better" because it's still a natural tendency to give, give, give - and then be butt-hurt when people take, take, take without returning. However, not only do I not give AS much anymore, I've smartened up and don't associate with "takers" nearly as much as I used to. There's still always one or two irresistible "takers" that I can't quite quit hanging around, but I fully accept my own implicit behavior in those relationships (and the resulting butt-hurtedness). I've also gotten better about not just letting the "takers" continue to take without saying something... still figuring out the best METHOD for getting my point across, though. One method I've stopped using, however, is...
• Being passive-aggressive: Oh, sweet, sweet passive-aggressive behavior. You're non-confrontational, you make me feel better, and... you are either completely lost on people or completely maddening on people. Yeah. It had to stop. I can thank an old friend L. for putting a stop to THIS behavior, when she called me on my bullshit when I aired my grievances in the form of a letter. She was right, that's lame. If I'm upset, I need to ball up and say it to their face. Ignoring the reality-show cliche' of that phrase, it's hard but it's the best method - as long as I'm doing it when I can be mostly calm and not impassioned with righteous anger or overly-dramatic hurt. I won't lie, though, the urge to post vague, drama-queen-like comments on Twitter or Facebook still lurks, but I hate READING them, so I sure as hell won't give in and POST them. 
• Drama Queen, thy name is no longer Samantha: Oh my goodness, so many bad decisions were made due to my drama-queen nature. SO SO MANY. It's painful, and too personal, to give examples, but longtime friends know just how bad some of those decisions were. I blame my intrinsic love of DRAMA and the need to punish myself for whatever reason on most of those decisions. I was an emotional flagellant for far too long because I thought it made life exciting... and it did, but it also made life miserable.So many years wasted feeling bad about myself. (I know I still put myself down a lot, but I used to be WORSE, if you can believe it.) Hindsight is 20/20, and I'm proud to say that I can now recognize my own negative contributions to those situations (aside from poor choices in the first place) and share the blame, but oh, the addictive drama of those situations... so good. So painful. So "THIS is what it's like to LIVE" being my overarching attitude towards things, which is fairly typical of young twenty-somethings. I mistook pain for passion, and passion was my main motivator for too many of my actions. Oh man, I shake my head SO HARD sometimes. 
• I wasted too much time: There are so many things I could have done in the last 10 years, but I wasted too much time waiting for life to start. Again, Hindsight=20/20, but I bemoaned my life's lot rather than working to change what I was dealing with. I have a nasty tendency to give into the gloom too easily, and I'm glad I've finally gotten sick of doing so. I still have my bad days, but at least they're becoming a bad DAY as opposed to a bad WEEK or MONTH, like it used to be. Still, though, I try not to think about how much farther I could be in certain areas if I hadn't been my own worst enemy... I can't change what's already happened, so I can't punish myself for lost opportunities; I can only work on not losing opportunities in the future. 
• I've actually learned a thing or two:I'd say one of the best things I've learned in my life, that has made most of my relationships SO MUCH EASIER on myself, is that you can't control people. Yes, that probably seems so obvious, and yet most people still obsess on all the things that bug them about their loved ones and that they wish they could change. Once you accept that you can't change people  and that you can't force them to do what you THINK they should do, oh man, it's like Atlas putting the world down for a minute and taking a breather. Making that peace with that constant desire to force the other person into the box you want them in gave me so much free time! I'm still susceptible to it (I'm human, after all), but I'll usually manage to remind myself that I can't change them, but I can choose how I react to them... and doing so usually results in my feeling mostly better. (I can control my own actions towards them, but I can't magically erase any hurt feelings they cause.)
• The best things remain the same: I don't know how it happened, but I have seen growth in the areas of myself that I like best. I find myself to be funnier, smarter, more talented in my select areas, and more kind and giving (in the good way) than I was when I was younger. I've always been mature and responsible to an extent, but especially lately I've recognized in myself that there has been marked improvement in those areas as well. I credit this to a natural progression, as well as a small boost in overall confidence thanks to many people who love me deciding they were sick of me decrying my own awesomeness and working on getting me to STFU with the badmouthing myself. But seriously, confidence is such a booster; even a little bit makes such a big change in attitude and overall appeal. I still struggle with feeling confident daily, but I know I have more confidence now than I did 10 years ago, or even 5 years ago. Hell, maybe even more than ONE year ago! (Plus denying all my good qualities to maintain this facade of low-self-worth is just EXHAUSTING, so the more often I knock that crap off, the more energy I tend to have!). I'm not letting myself get TOO swelled a head, 'cuz I still have a WAYS to go (annoyingly), but I should give myself a small pat on the back that the things I like about myself are still around, for the most part, and the parts I don't like about myself are slowly working their way to either being banished completely or at least controlled thoroughly. 

I've always had an attitude of wanting to regret very little... and to be fair, I don't have many regrets. There are some, yes, but if I regret all that I COULD regret, I won't get out of bed ever again. I have to learn what I can from the mistake, forgive myself, and move the f*** on.  I find myself chanting the refrain "It is what it is" often, because I need to remind myself that what's done is done and I can't change it.

For all my quibbling and mock-crying over getting older, I'm actually looking forward to the next decade. My frustration over this impending birthday had more to do with my perfectionist, over-achieving nature; I had a mental list of things to do before I was 30, and to be honest, a good chunk of them are still unchecked, which eats at me. (I'm slowly making my peace with it... slooooooowly. Can't do anything about it now, I'm turning 30 on Friday whether I like it or not.) The number has never been the issue; to be honest, when I look back on my 20's, the memories are more grimace-inducing than smile-bringing. There's a lot of hurt and (self)hate back there. So I'm looking forward to moving into a new decade as a hopefully fitter, better, happier, more productive me, and my attitude towards the mental checklist is that just because I didn't achieve it before my 30th birthday doesn't mean I can't still achieve it in general.

Besides, I've got 10 years until I'm 40, and EVERYONE knows that's when your life is REALLY over, right? ;D (KIDDING.)

30 Before 30: A Tribute to The Hubs

I don't sing the praises of my husband enough. He puts up with a WHOLE lot of crazy on my end (the title of this blog isn't simply clever), and for that, he must be celebrated. I'm not the best at being flowery, sadly, so I'll just list what I love best about him. Warning: This WILL get mushy.

• He has the prettiest color eyes, nice full lips, and the cutest dimples. Also: His hair is fine and soft, which I like. 
• He's funny, which is what attracted me to him in the first place. We make each other laugh a lot. His laugh when he thinks something's REALLY funny is one of the best laughs in the world; I feel like I'm the funniest comedienne when I make him do it. (He doesn't like it, but I think it's ADORABLE.)
• He hates my negative talk, and immediately rebuts with how beautiful and wonderful he thinks I am. 
• He's considerate; for example, if he's getting up to get something from the kitchen, he almost always asks if he can get me anything since he's up. I love that, it's so charming. 
• Nice, lovely "relations". ;)
• He's willing to hold me as long as needed when I'm crying, even though it REALLY makes him uncomfortable. Not in a cold way, just that "AUGH A GIRL IS CRYING WHAT DO I DOOOOO" panicked way all guys have with crying girls. But he toughs it out, holds me while I sob, and simply whispers that he wishes there was something he could do. He doesn't think that what he's doing is enough, but it's all that I want or need in that moment. 
• He's willing to be the bad guy when I need him to be. I fully admit that I need a little kick in the hindquarters sometimes, and he'll suck it up and be that for me. He doesn't like it, but he'll DO it. 
• He's the most supportive person I've ever had in my life. He thinks I could fly to the moon if I wanted to, and won't let me discuss otherwise. He values my best qualities, and takes joy in sharing what he considers my greatest qualities with others. (I don't know how I fooled him so well, but I'm glad I did! j/k) It's a rare thing to have someone who is so completely in your corner and only wants what's best for you. 

I'm forgetting things. I really am. I wish I had a list of why I love him so much, and I might have to start working on some sort of "Here's why I love you" keepsake to which I can constantly add to give him for our 5-year anniversary next year.

Another example of how great he is that can't be broken up into specifics: He is really working his butt off to make sure my 30th birthday is as great as he can make it. He's insisted that I throw a party, and won't let me cancel it no matter how much I want to on my bad days, AND he's planning a surprise for me on my actual birthday, but he won't tell me what. I'm trying so hard to figure it out - I THINK I've got it, but I don't want to ask just in case so I can still be surprised. xD Either way, I'm EXCITED about my birthday, which is a miracle in itself... the closer this stupid day has gotten, the more depressed I've been about it. I had a self-appointed list of things to do by 30 and I'm nowhere NEAR checking off most of those things, which is eating me up inside. BUT The Hubs thinks I'm wonderful, that I'm too hard on myself, and that the fact that I've been around for 30 years is a fact worth celebrating.

I wish for one day I could see myself through his eyes; I don't think I'd ever have a self-esteem problem again. He is a truly wonderful man, and I can't put it well enough into words how much I value him in my life. 

30 before 30: Alien speak

Maybe it's girlish naivete, but I really thought that after 8+ years together as romantic partners, The Hubs and I understood each other.

Lately, though, it feels as if we're citizens of Babel, for all the sense we make to each other.

Ok, that sounds way more dramatic than I mean it to sound. 95% of the time, we understand each other just fine. Our arguments are rare, and often we need only make a well-timed sound or even a particular face for the other to burst into gales of laughter.

But I'm noticing more frequently that there are these incidents where we talk to each other, and we just don't seem to comprehend what the other is saying. Luckily, these occur more with seemingly simple tasks than deep, life-changing discussions, but that almost seems to make us MORE frustrated in the end.

For example, we were re-arranging our furniture and the electronics that reside on some of this furniture. To make the cords less obvious/in the way, I told The Hubs to move the electronic "under the table" it was on, so that the cord would follow it. He moved it in front of the table. SERIOUSLY. I tried to explain it again, and he did it "wrong" (at least in my opinion) again. This carried on for some time, endlessly frustrating us because he kept insisting I was telling him wrong, yet wouldn't let me get up and show him what I meant ('cuz he's a Taurus and STUBBORN AS S***). finally I got up, stomped over, and did it the way I intended.

"Well, why didn't you SAY that?"

It's a miracle we're still married, swear to Dog.

Now, it didn't end in a big fight or anything, but it DID result in a "I don't know why you don't understand what I'm saying" from both of us. To each of us, it's just SO CLEAR, but the other is left staring blankly. It's frustrating! Esp. considering we really thought we knew each other, and now we've stumbled on this out of NOWHERE issue. Not a major issue, though, just... WEIRD. It's been 8+ years! You'd think he'd speak the language by now - AND VICE VERSA! I'm just as guilty here.

I didn't really think about it until tonight we had another "alien talk" situation, and it was more serious this time. Not going to go into details (just 'cuz everyone shares everything on the internet doesn't mean I have to), and it's resolved now, but I did ask him, "I thought you'd know how to talk to me by now!" The Hubs replied that he did, BUT he isn't always sure what kind of reaction he'd get with me when I'm unemployed - it becomes a bit... dangerous, in his opinion. Actually, I think the direct quote was "emotional minefield", and he's not wrong. =/ So I acknowledged the truth of his statement, but then pointed out to him that he also knows my moods and how I react to stuff, so I suggested a way I thought might work to nicely get his point across if when there's a next time.

So what do I learn from this? That The Hubs is an idiot, of course! (KIDDING.) I guess we're both changing again, or something, as people are wont to do over 8 years, and we have to re-learn how to talk to the adult version of ourselves when we're used to talking to the 20-something versions of ourselves. (Ok, The Hubs is still a 20-something for another year and a half, but I mean like YOUNG 20-something versions of ourselves - we've been together since I was 21 and he was just shy of 20.) You'd think being together so long would make things easier over time, not harder! SHEESH.

30 Before 30: I'm a guy-lie girl

I know I'm not the only girl in the world with guy friends, but I suspect I'm a little on the rare side in that the majority of my friends are (straight) dudes. (I'll sing the praises of the gays another day.)

I'm not anything close to being a tomboy. Bugs freak me out, I don't like getting dirty, and beer is gross. The only reasons I think my social circle has worked out this way is because:

1. I was mostly raised by my dad. I mean, my mom was around and took over full-time parenting duties when I was a teenager, but for the day-to-day from about 7-12 years old it was my dad. As such, I am VERY much like my dad in terms of personality, for better or worse - and my dad had a smart mouth and dirty sense of humor (as do I).
2. I don't do well with girl drama. I get along FINE with girls, but it's rare to find girls who aren't, well, the stereotypical GIRL when it comes to interacting with other girls. I'm not claiming in any way, shape, or form that I don't have that tendency myself, but I hate that tendency in myself, so I try to avoid those who share it as much as possible. I've been VERY fortunate in that I've found girls who don't have that "drama" tendency, and I cherish their company. Guys also avoid that drama like the plague, though, and there are more of them than there are girls who avoid drama, so consequently... 

There are advantages to having mostly guy friends, though! For one thing, guys are SO FUNNY. At least the dudes I hang with. Not that my girlfriends aren't funny, but some of the guys I hang with, I really have to up my game when I'm around them, or I just sit back and enjoy their show. For another, while they suck at appropriately comforting a girl they aren't sleeping with (I'm thinking it's something in their genetic structure that prevents it), it's still kind of adorable to see just how much they CARE. I can see the anguish on their faces (along with the general state of fear and confusion when confronted with tears) when they see I'm upset - and I appreciate their various offers to go beat whatever physical object they can use as the scapegoat of my hurt, even if it's ultimately pointless. Something about it is just damned endearing to me.

On the flip side, I think there's an advantage for boys when they have girls that are just friends. For one thing, us ladies are open to talking about those icky topics like "emotions" that usually make their bros cringe. I'm fairly sure I've been privy to some conversations that my guy friends would NEVER admit to their other guy friends. An off-shoot advantage to girls being willing to talk feelings is that we're also willing to speculate and offer advice on their ladies; even the best husband/boyfriend can still be a little confused on what, exactly, their woman wants or needs sometimes, and who better to ask than another woman that they trust? Right? Also, honestly, I think guys just like having cute girls around. I mean, I'm not the hottest woman in the lives of my guy friends, but I'm not a hosebeast, either... and who doesn't like having something nice to look at who also makes you smile? (I know that's my motivating factor for, like, 99.5% of my friendships, male OR female... ;D)

Look, I'm not saying that guy friends = best thing ever. I'm just saying that I've noticed my natural proclivity for having male friends, and I'm trying to suss out the cause as well as sing the praises of such relationships. If I may be gushy for a moment ('cuz I'm 99.5% sure they won't read this anyway ;p), I count myself very lucky to have the males I have in my social circle. I have managed to cultivate a personal, trusting relationship with some truly unique individuals that never fail to make me smile when I think of them. While I haven't always had the best choices in friends (male or female), as of late I've truly surrounded myself with upstanding young men who know how to make me laugh, appreciate the same things I appreciate, and make me feel that, if The Hubs were to ever smarten up and leave my annoying ass for good, I would still feel like someone out there loved me (just not that way)... and that's a nice feeling to have. We'll probably never say it to each other, but if you're my straight male friend and you're reading this, I love you like the older brother I never wanted in the first place BUT which I'm now glad I have.