What I've Learned After 6 Years of Marriage

If you know who made this/said this, tell me!

I would never DARE to claim to be a marriage expert, nor a perfect wife. Far from, in both cases. Anything I've learned about marriage has been through observation, experience, and my own mistakes. I feel, though, that we have a successful marriage so far. The Hubs and I have been friends for 12 years, romantically involved for 10.5 years, and married for 6! This is what I've learned in that time, through our own missteps and watching other long-term couples. (The Hubs didn't contribute, but I might do a follow-up with his opinions added.)

• Keep some mystery alive - in other words, pee with the door closed. I'm totally serious. IMHO, it kind of kills the sexy/romance if you've seen them do their "business". Grossness can't always be avoided (see: when one of you is sick and needs assistance), but avoiding it when you have the option makes the most sense to me.
• Have fun with each other! Being playful and flirty is part of the fun of being in a relationship - marriage or long-term commitment doesn't have to kill that fun! Be careful though with teasing; I was raised where "teasing" was quite cruel even when it was funny. My mom pointed out how mean I was to The Hubs early in our relationship, and I had to work on taking the venom out of my jokes. He likes that I can sass back, though, so we found our happy medium and rarely do the jokes lead to hurt feelings.
• Use your manners! I think when you live with someone full-time, you start to forget that they're someone who deserves basic human respect. It's not an intentional cruelty, it's just... well, you don't say "please" and "thank you" to yourself, right? So it kind of makes sense how one might stop doing it to their S.O. I don't think people realize how much it means to others when we show the basic human respect of saying "please" and "thank you". I mean, we say these things to the barista handing us our Starbucks, extend that same courtesy to your mate. 
• It's the little things that matter! The Hubs is way better at this than I am, but I'm trying to match up. He always asks if I need anything when he's already up; I'm trying to return the favor (it doesn't come as naturally to me). One of us will ask the other if they need us to stop anywhere on our way home, e.g., The Hubs will pick up my prescriptions at Wal-Mart if I need them since it's on his way home from work. Those little moments add up and bring the happy feels up when you think of your mate. 
• Make "Couple Time" a priority. I'm not saying co-dependency, I'm saying make little niches of time in your life to talk/spend time with each other. Sitting in the living room staring at the boob tube/playing on the computer doesn't count; I'm talking actual conversation. It doesn't have to be hours on end; 15-30 minutes of just catching up on your day is enough. Bonus points for cuddling or touching in some affectionate way during this time. We also "tuck into bed", which is where we cuddle in bed for a little while before one of us (or both) go to sleep. We used to do it every night, but over the years we've winnowed it down maybe 3 times a week. It really works for us, because it's just time for us to cuddle and talk/laugh/be silly. It doesn't usually even lead to sexy times, it's just something we do and it helps keep us connected. Do your own thang and be your own person, but be sure to share that awesome person with your partner at least a little bit somewhat frequently!
  

  

  The Hubs and I, seconds after we were made official - LOOK AT US WE WERE BABIES OH MY GOODNESS!

• Sex is important. Talking about sex openly is equally important. I don't have kids, so I'm not EVEN gonna TRY to suggest how to incorporate sex into life with kids (Hell, I might be desperate for that advice myself once kiddos are in the picture!). My focus is more on talking about sex with your partner, and trying to find mutual comfort zones so your needs are met. Sexual intimacy adds a lot to a relationship, and when that area isn't healthy, it can negatively affect other parts of the relationship. I'm trying to keep this PG, so without going into personal experience, these are the three most important things I feel are important for keeping your "relations" mutually satisfying:

1. Talk about what you want/want to try/don't want - but talk about it when you're not naked. Best time is when you're both relatively calm and nowhere NEAR anything sexual happening. It can be awkward, but it's important to do!
2. Be ok when your partner says "No" - and exercise that right when you need to also. It's hard because sexual rejection is, well, rejection and no one likes rejection! However, sometimes it's just not good timing for sexy times, and as long as it's not EVERY TIME you or your partner tries to put on the moves, it doesn't mean your partner's not attracted to you (or you to him/her). (If it IS every time, see #1.)
3. Sex is not dirty (unless you're doing it in mud)! It's one of the best parts of being coupled, IMHO - someone to have fun with in a very sexy way! Let go and have fun (once you've talked about what you're both comfortable with and what you want to try)! What you two do in the boudoir is YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS, and whatever you consider "normal" is normal; nothing is "weird" if you both like it!

• WALK AWAY when anger starts to turn into a fight. I have a fiesty Latina temper, while it takes The Hubs more time to get going (but once he does, watch out). We're not the best at this because sometimes the anger hits so fast we don't have that moment to take a breath and walk away, but IF you can, step away. This does NOT mean ignore the problem; it means walk away until you can discuss the problem rationally. I have literally put myself in time-out when I know my anger is irrational/unfair/ridiculous until I can calm down and talk it out without lashing out. Also, suck it up and apologize when you're the a**hole - even if you're not the only a**hole. Once you're both calm enough to talk about it, apologize for your part. 
• Also, side note: IMHO, it's not an apology if you add a "but" after it. Like, "I'm sorry what I said upset you, but you're constantly late." THAT'S NOT AN APOLOGY, that's another fight-starter. If you still can't talk without anger/hurt feelings, WALK AWAY. 
• Find at least one thing your partner is passionate about that you don't mind participating in. Most likely, you both will have at least one passion in common; something had to draw you two together (aside from raw sexual magnetism, OBVIOUSLY). However, you are not going to like everything your partner loves, and vice versa. Expecting that of them is setting both of you up for frustration and disappointment. (This is something The Hubs and I learned the hard way, and lead to some very serious and scary talks, even.) So try to find something you can enjoy with your partner - you don't have to be at the same level of enthusiasm, but don't participate in a passion that you find utterly boring, either.
  For example, The Hubs' main hobby is sports: watching, listening to radio shows, and playing. We joke that I'm a "sports widow", but he HAS compromised a lot in regards to TV viewing and his obsessions so I don't feel that "widowed". ;D My compromise in this area is that I enjoy attending sporting events with him; I'm not AS excited about basketball and I hate football, so I'm not usually present for those, but I enjoy baseball games (go SF Giants!) and through The Hubs I have become a HUGE (for me) hockey fan (SHAAAAAAARKS!).
  For a long time, this effort on my part went without balance from The Hubs. While he loves all my creative pursuits, they just aren't his thing. When I met someone (non-romantic) who actually liked a lot of the same arty/nerdy things I liked, it was a wake-up call and led to those aforementioned serious/scary talks. This has to be a mutual thing; one person can't do this while the other doesn't extend the same courtesy. The Hubs has in recent years "returned the favor", so to speak, by accompanying me to theater performances, museums, and the like (and to be fair, I try to find things I think he'll like, such as "Avenue Q" and museum exhibits he'll also find semi-interesting). I know he's not having THE BEST TIME EVARS at these things, but I know he's not usually completely bored, either, and I try not to abuse the privilege; The Hubs extends the same courtesy. 

HOLY CRAP I have a lot of opinions on relationships. It feels to me like I'm bragging or trying to pretend my marriage is perfect; it's not meant to be bragging, because The Hubs and I are human and we are fallible and make mistakes. I simply feel that The Hubs and I have weathered a fair amount of storms, and while there are some areas that we could probably still use some professional help in improving, most days we are happy with each other even when our outside circumstances are rough. The stuff listed above is a huge contributing factor to this mutual happiness and love. If someone reads these thoughts and finds something useful, then hopefully this will lead them to strengthen their own relationships just a little bit more. :)

The Hubs and I at a friend's wedding last November, looking older and wiser (and sexier, let's be honest)

*The Hubs graciously let me post pictures of us; his main concern was, "You're not going to post pictures of us doing illegal stuff or anything, right?" Well, not NOW, fun-spoiler. 

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Six Sisters' Stuff

30 Before 30: A Tribute to The Hubs

I don't sing the praises of my husband enough. He puts up with a WHOLE lot of crazy on my end (the title of this blog isn't simply clever), and for that, he must be celebrated. I'm not the best at being flowery, sadly, so I'll just list what I love best about him. Warning: This WILL get mushy.

• He has the prettiest color eyes, nice full lips, and the cutest dimples. Also: His hair is fine and soft, which I like. 
• He's funny, which is what attracted me to him in the first place. We make each other laugh a lot. His laugh when he thinks something's REALLY funny is one of the best laughs in the world; I feel like I'm the funniest comedienne when I make him do it. (He doesn't like it, but I think it's ADORABLE.)
• He hates my negative talk, and immediately rebuts with how beautiful and wonderful he thinks I am. 
• He's considerate; for example, if he's getting up to get something from the kitchen, he almost always asks if he can get me anything since he's up. I love that, it's so charming. 
• Nice, lovely "relations". ;)
• He's willing to hold me as long as needed when I'm crying, even though it REALLY makes him uncomfortable. Not in a cold way, just that "AUGH A GIRL IS CRYING WHAT DO I DOOOOO" panicked way all guys have with crying girls. But he toughs it out, holds me while I sob, and simply whispers that he wishes there was something he could do. He doesn't think that what he's doing is enough, but it's all that I want or need in that moment. 
• He's willing to be the bad guy when I need him to be. I fully admit that I need a little kick in the hindquarters sometimes, and he'll suck it up and be that for me. He doesn't like it, but he'll DO it. 
• He's the most supportive person I've ever had in my life. He thinks I could fly to the moon if I wanted to, and won't let me discuss otherwise. He values my best qualities, and takes joy in sharing what he considers my greatest qualities with others. (I don't know how I fooled him so well, but I'm glad I did! j/k) It's a rare thing to have someone who is so completely in your corner and only wants what's best for you. 

I'm forgetting things. I really am. I wish I had a list of why I love him so much, and I might have to start working on some sort of "Here's why I love you" keepsake to which I can constantly add to give him for our 5-year anniversary next year.

Another example of how great he is that can't be broken up into specifics: He is really working his butt off to make sure my 30th birthday is as great as he can make it. He's insisted that I throw a party, and won't let me cancel it no matter how much I want to on my bad days, AND he's planning a surprise for me on my actual birthday, but he won't tell me what. I'm trying so hard to figure it out - I THINK I've got it, but I don't want to ask just in case so I can still be surprised. xD Either way, I'm EXCITED about my birthday, which is a miracle in itself... the closer this stupid day has gotten, the more depressed I've been about it. I had a self-appointed list of things to do by 30 and I'm nowhere NEAR checking off most of those things, which is eating me up inside. BUT The Hubs thinks I'm wonderful, that I'm too hard on myself, and that the fact that I've been around for 30 years is a fact worth celebrating.

I wish for one day I could see myself through his eyes; I don't think I'd ever have a self-esteem problem again. He is a truly wonderful man, and I can't put it well enough into words how much I value him in my life. 

30 before 30: Sex vs. Love

WARNING: I talk about sexin'. No personal details or how-to's, just general opinions. So if you don't feel comfortable discussing sexy times, then move along, pardner.

Today on Twitter, Jess Fink (fabulous cartoonist behind the VERY hot and VERY NSFW Chester 5000) posted a link to a study that bisexual men do, indeed, exist. Apparently, this study was in response to a previous one last decade that claimed that men were NOT bisexual.

Now, a lot of bisexual men did not care for the last study because they were, in fact, bisexual and men and did, in fact, exist DESPITE this study. I would also be upset, I figured, but ultimately I found the study to be very "Duh-DOI".

Modern society seems to balk at the idea of "the middle" when it comes to most moral issues. It's too hard to think in shades of grey, so most people default to a clear black or white, and don't budge. I get it. The middle is hard. The middle is confusing. Grey is a murky, unclear color.