Mars and Venus Butting Heads

So apparently this year is going to be a pattern of crappy work week ends with a bug of some sort. It's not quite bubonic plague like the last time, it feels more like a mild case of the black death. I think I'll be able to go to work on Monday, but OF COURSE it would be the weekend of The Hubs' bday.

LUCKILY, his actual PARTAY won't be until NEXT Saturday, because his BFF J was out of the country until tonight and he wanted J there. But still, I wanted this weekend to be one big celebration, and instead we've been at home all day because I'm sick.

But here's the thing: That's just fine with The Hubs. He's a homebody, it's a major sports weekend for him (Warriors in playoffs, Sharks' last season game and just recently made the playoffs, Giants are the Giants), so he bought himself some fancy brewskis and has been allowed free reign of the TV and he is a happy camper. Plus we splurged on our favorite pizza place for pizza and wings for dinner, so he is a happy, happy guy! On his actual birthday tomorrow, we're going to meet our new softball team to practice (which he's so excited about), then go to the local minor league baseball game (which is really fun - it's a nice stadium and they're a good team). The capper is a Warriors playoff game and his favorite meal for dinner - Gourmet Chicken. :)

I was worried he'd feel let down, but he's feeling anything but. We celebrate things differently; I like a big fuss, he's much more of a mellow guy. Hell, I had to convince him to have a birthday party! But I'm not allowed to decorate or make "foofy" food, and there's only one party game allowed (because it's Battleshots and we've been wanting to play it FOREVA).

So it doesn't make sense to ME, per se, but he is happy and that's all that matters. I have to confess that I was actually getting frustrated with some of his choices and requests. For example, I wanted to buy him something for his birthday, and he told me exactly what he wanted. This drives me nuts because WHERE'S THE SURPRISE IN THAT, but that's just how he is - get him what he wants, and he'll be happy. Makes perfect sense to him, but frustrates me (I'd been planning to buy him a bday message at the minor league game, but he somehow figured it out and told me he wouldn't like that; great to know, but I was pissed it ruined the surprise). Also, the softball practice threw off my other secret plan to cook him breakfast in bed due to the time of the practice, but ultimately he loves playing baseball/softball and that is what matters most. I realized that I was making his birthday more about ME and I needed to build a bridge and get the f*** over myself. I'd say I'm about 95% successful; I get his logic behind it but I still don't understand why he prefers things this way. :)

That said, the reason I wanted this bday to be so perfect is because I love him so much and he deserves the best; if this is his definition of "the best", then that just makes him even BETTER because I barely have to lift a finger!

Can you believe this adorable little stinker is 30 years old tomorrow? Crazy! He's even cuter now, believe it or not. 

Not dead, just busy

Hello!

I'm here, I'm doing relatively ok (today was NOT a good day, but my overall attitude lately has been good and for that I'm grateful). Lots of stuff I want to blawg about, no time to do it in, because I've been taking care of my stuff like a muthaf***in' ADULT.

It feels good.

Posts to come, promise!

Note to Self #8973938724973

No matter how tired you are, NOTHING tastes better and soothes the soul more than a home-cooked meal.

Even when half the ingredients came from a can. STILL SOOTHING.

The secret is in finding those shortcuts. Monday was all out of a package, I'll admit (smoked sausage, baked beans, and frozen broccoli for something green), but Tuesday was no processed foods (cheeseburger soup with frozen brocc and cauliflower, yum!). Wednesday was a frozen dinner because I was too tired and The Hubs wasn't going to be home anyway, but today was enchilada casserole made using leftover slow-cooker chicken taco meat.

I came home in a for-no-reason PMS rage mood, and started cooking immediately because if I didn't do it first thing it wouldn't happen. Ended up snapping at The Hubs because I warned him that I was in NO MOOD and then I had a rude response to a completely innocent comment he made, which he (understandably) called me on... which resulted in his head being bitten off by my praying mantis of bitchiness. (He has since gotten it back and we've made amends.) I slammed around making the meal, slammed it in the oven, and was calm enough to apologize. 30 minutes later, hot bubbly cheesy Americanized-Mexicany goodness was ready and WE FILLED OUR BELLEHS.

I am already feeling better, The Hubs is happy to be well-fed again this week, and our pocketbooks remain undented (which is good, because the IRS has been bending us over a LOT this year, ugh). Oh, AND I have lunch tomorrow! Everybody happy!

Honestly, I feel a little pride each time I do cook at home, knowing I was a mutha-f***in' adult and cooked like a grown-up instead of wasting money on fast food. Since I've been cooking at home more often, I've been feeling better about myself more often. It's a nice trade-off.

What Works For Me: The Buddy System

photo from thecampuscompanion.com - found via Google. Please don't sue.

The Hubs puts up with a LOT from me (disclaimer: in MY opinion he does, but he would probably dispute this). I'm a bit of a mental mess at times, as I'm sure I've mentioned before. The most dangerous combo is that I'm easily overwhelmed and I tend to be a perfectionist.

Seriously, yesterday I finally wanted to prepare adobo pork chops that I had planned to prep when I bought them 6 days ago; I left them in the fridge thinking I would get to them soon. Every day I glanced at them, saw they were still pink and assumed they were good. Now, I had a pack of turkey sausages on top of them (which also still looked good), so I only saw the rim of the chops. Pull them out yesterday, saw that the meat had turned GREEN. GREEN. So my damn procrastination resulted in my wasting $9 worth of meat. I paid the joint account back from my own fun money, which The Hubs thought was more than fair, but I could not let it go the rest of the night. Hell, I'm STILL thinking about it, obviously, because I'm so mad that I let this happen. The Hubs was over it about 1 minute after I told him - he was more bummed because it meant we wouldn't be having the chops for dinner.

Anyway, the above is just an example of the head-space The Hubs has to deal with. As I mentioned many moons ago, I had several large projects I wanted to tackle once a week as one of my goals. I didn't get rolling until The Hubs suggested that if we did it first thing in the morning that Sunday, he'd be happy to help. I thought that was a great idea - we already share the chores of dishes and laundry (he washes, I put away for both), and it makes the chores less daunting and annoying to me. So that's how we finally got the Xmas stuff put away (on St. Patrick's Day *sigh*) - and it felt so good that we both decided to tackle one more chore on our own, and I later went grocery shopping because I felt so productive!

We've done it several times since then - we schedule a start time and choose one project or room to focus on, and work together to get it done. It's becoming an almost-weekly thing, and it's nice because sh** is getting done around the apartment and it's slowly becoming much more hospitable. Love it!

Obviously this system doesn't work on the reg if you don't have a live-in buddy, but it can still be a good idea; my friend JS helped her friend pack for moving by helping the friend organize with lists, and even going over to help pack as well (because JS is awesome at it - I totally plan on recruiting her when we eventually move). Someone to help you out when a task seems so big is a huge weight off the shoulders and allows for the task to actually get started. Everything's easier to tackle when there's a team, right? I'm especially grateful to have someone who is willing to tackle these big, scary tasks with me and be my cheerleader. I'm a very lucky woman, and hey, our home is getting a little bit better every week!

Today was the fridge/freezer - fridge had gross stuff, freezer was so packed with crap that we were in constant threat of a broken toe and it was driving The Hubs nuts. Took us 30 minutes, then Hubs washed out the salvageable containers while I menu-planned; I'm going to attack last week's chore of switching pantry for cabinets (I'm moving pots/pans, dishes, and tupperware [today's attack] into our massive pantry and the non-perishable food where  the dishes/pans were - much less room for wasting food, much more room to see all the pots/pans I have at a glance! I LOVE IT), then I'll run to the store for the week's food and a treat to enjoy my double-feature of "Game of Thrones"/"Mad Men"!

It feels so good to start my week off productively. Such an improvement from me of even two years ago!

Coming Out of Hiding

I disappeared again. Sorry about that.

When things get stressful, I have two ways of dealing with it depending on the level of stress. I either cry more frequently and easily, which means I'm processing it and dealing with it, or I crawl inside of myself and shut down. The second one is the dangerous one. That's where I don't vent and share my concerns, and it leads to dark places. Spring Break couldn't have come at a better time - it's giving me the time and space to extract myself from my protective shell. It's helping, but the fear and stress is still there - every morning I wake up thinking "Oh GOD, I only have X amount of days until I have to go back..." I seriously have a week left, and I'm feeling like it's too short. THAT'S how bad work has become. *sigh*

The other bad part of the crawling inward is that it shuts down all urges to self-care. When I'm in shut-down mode, all I want to do is come home, stuff my face with crap food to stuff down my emotions, then go to sleep and hope I don't wake up. (Told you I get DARK!) So this break from work is also a BREAK from being inside that dark place. I've been hanging out with friends and family every day this week. I've made sure to do some chores every day, and I've home-cooked dinner the last few nights too - it feels so good to WANT to take care of our home, and it's oddly relaxing as well. I was actually dreading being on break, too, because it reminds me too much of being unemployed; considering I'm facing the job hunt again now, it's especially not fun to feel unemployment again. When I'm unemployed, I go to that shut-down place because I hate sitting around doing nothing, when the only thing I HAVE to do is "chores" I feel worthless. It helps that this week I've had a reason to leave the house every day; when I come home or before I leave, I'm willing to do some housework and cook dinner. Maybe THAT'S the secret for my next bout of unemployment: Find a reason to get out of the house every day. I don't do well as a hermit.

The point of this post is to state that I'm improving. I'm not ok yet, but I feel like I'm getting there. I'm trying to figure out how to keep my sanity as I finish up these last few months at the job so that I don't start the summer drowning in misery. That's my goal - it might require some outside help, and that's ok. I'm going to look into it.

Let's end this post on a beautiful note: Friday, the last day of work before the break, some more BS happened. Rather than go home and go into shut down mode, I went to my favorite grocery store and treated myself to a $4 bouquet of flowers - it's bloomed more since and is just GORGEOUS. Best $4 I've spent lately.