The Dream

FYI: Not my art - if you know who made this, please tell me!

With the recent disappointment in our employment situations, I've been wondering what to do next. (I'm sure The Hubs is also wondering what he's going to do, but he hasn't confided as such and I know this is an area that he's not up for being prodded.) I love what I do, and this year has honestly had my favorite students ever (in 4.5 solid years of teaching - the 0.5 being a long-term subbing job), but the general state of education and the politics (both in-school and at large) are... off-putting, to say the least. What I'm trying to decide is if it's so off-putting as to make me completely abandon the prospect of continuing in this field. At the moment, it's not, but this changes day-to-day, to be honest.

When I'm driving around, wondering what I want to happen next, this is all I tend to see:

• A decent-sized one-story house with a warm welcoming feel, an open living room/dining room, a nice big kitchen, and lots of windows/natural light in a town or city where are close to loved ones and we like the local culture
• a decent-size backyard for our dog Daisy with healthy grass and several fruit trees; when the fruit is ripe, we'll have a harvest day and all of our friends can come pick their own fruit, and I'll use the fruit to make lemonade and other tasty goodies. We'll have friends over for backyard parties and movie nights, projecting films on a bedsheet when the sun goes down
• a couple of ankle-biters running around being boogers (but they'll be OUR boogers, so it's ok that they're boogers)
• Dropping the kids off, and picking them up from school - and working somewhere part-time in-between
•  Eating a home-cooked dinner at the table, mellow music playing, as a family; Friday movie nights with the kids, cuddling under blankets and on pillows and nibbling on popcorn
• watching our kiddos playing sports or participating in theater/art classes/whatever they're interested in doing
• a craft room for me to play in, and a "man cave" for The Hubs (we'll figure it out, but we both want our own rooms somehow, hahaha)

As you can see, what I dream about isn't my career. I dream about building a life. It's weird, for the last few years with the ups and downs of my career, most of my fantasies were about being a great teacher. I feel like I finally achieved real progress towards being a great teacher this year (and was shown appreciation with a pink slip *sigh*), and I would like to continue working in the education field, but at this point in the game I'm much more concerned with moving towards the other goals I want in life - that we want in life. If I can't have the career and the home life, then I'm choosing the home life.

Now the next step is figuring out how to make that dream a reality; work still plays a part in that, obviously, we just need to figure out how to make this dream a reality. We're working on the "boogers" part, but that takes time and my body not being a jerk. The house is the next part, we just need to get my job to be more steady *sigh* and then figure out where. We're hoping next year... we hoped for THIS year, but once the pink slip was announced we knew it wasn't the best idea; knowing that the next teaching job might result in another pink slip as well is one of the factors that make looking for other work so appealing. Which is a hard fact to consider and accept when I love this job so much, but it's hindering my progress toward what else I want in life.

BUT... my life is not my job, my "job" is to live my life.Or, as Oscar Wilde put it, "I don’t want to earn my living; I want to live."

5 Simple Goals 2: Wanting to Be Better

So since my focus has shifted from being the Best Teacher Ever to being the Best Self Ever, all I can do is focus on what needs fixing. Not in a self-debilitating way (or so I hope), but my list is growing and I'm worried about getting overwhelmed. There just seems like there is so much about myself that I want to fix!

This isn't to say that I feel I'm a bad person, just... there's a lot of little things I'd like to resolved. However, I (like most human beings) struggle with a lot of change all at once. But when it feels like there's so much that needs fixing, I wonder what takes priority.

What I'd like to change:

• My level of activity (i.e., exercise)
• healthier eating
• my lack of housework
• my time spent on electronics (she wrote on her BLOG) 
• better routines, esp. a better nighttime routine

So I'm going to try another round of 4 Simple Goals again. I never really updated how the last one went (got busy), but it actually worked pretty well. I stuck with the volleyball, my crafting time increased (but wasn't once a week like I'd hoped), and I got my medicines under control. My eating fell off the wagon, and I never held the party I wanted to host (but I will next year!).

... yeah, I made this before I decided on 5 goals. Whatever, it still works.

Since there's five areas I'd like to improve, I'd like to come up with a goal for each area of change; I know it's 4, but one more isn't going to kill me, and the changes aren't that unmanageable. The "end-date" (although I aim for these to be permanent changes), or date to reassess and change/move on, will be the end of May, just over 3 months. Here are my goals!

Sometimes I Need To Remind Myself of Certain Things...

Not mine; found on Tumblr, dunno source

 The Hubs and I are in a place of discomfort. Not with each other; one nice thing about our relationship is that hardships usually make us grow closer (not that it's so unusual in other relationships, I'm sure, I'm just saying so far we've managed to bond more often than part when faced with adversity). Our discomfort is the snail's pace with which we're moving towards our mutual goals.

House? Nope.
New car for The Hubs? Nope.
Job security/career satisfaction? Nope.
Kids? Nope.

Are we close to these things? Yes, but it is slow, SLOW going, and they are baby steps. Newborn-baby-sized steps. And it's frustrating, when you feel like EVERYONE else is getting what you want and that you've earned by now.

This is a constant complaint, though. It's hard to notice the small steps and forward progress when it feels like it's at a snail's pace.

But it IS moving forward. We are repairing our credit and saving up when we can to get to a place where the house is feasible; same with the car. I'm still lacking the job security *sigh*, and The Hubs and I are both working towards career satisfaction.

The kids are a situation that... well, there's only so much we can do on our end. And to be honest, we've only done part of it. It's health-related, and we're both slackers. Personally, I'm planning to get back on the wagon (the spirit is willing, flesh is weak but starting to get a little stronger, so I'm hoping to milk it), and The Hubs will come along at his own time. One thing we've learned through the years: Never tell the other one how to go about their lifestyle change. We're too different, and we just end up annoyed with each other. So tongues are bit. So some of it is within our control, and other parts are completely outside of our effect on them.

The point of this post is to recognize and remind myself that we ARE moving forward, and there's only so much we can control. We can't choose what happens to us, but we can choose how we react to what happens to us. For example, I have no say in the decision that was made in regards to my employment. I could be a true jerk and stop putting any effort forth (and man, is it tempting); I could continue burning myself out working super-hard for a place that has already decided my hard work wasn't worth keeping me past this school year. Instead, I'm choosing to continue to forth an effort that makes sure my job is still done well enough to where I don't feel like a slacker and my students are still moving forward, but not at the sacrifice of my personal life anymore. Once the school year is over, I'll choose what I pursue from there.

I can't control my health issues (as in, that they exist), but I CAN control how my habits affect them. Hopefully what I do will make the outlook of the kids situation better.

A major way in which I've grown into an adult is letting go of that bitterness and frustration that things aren't happening for us the way we want them to, on the schedule we want them to. I take comfort and reassurance in the fact that we can recognize positive growth and change in ourselves and our lives, even if we haven't hit certain markers like The Joneses in our lives have. We will get there; in the meantime, let's work on what we have a say over and continue our forward growth. I don't believe in fate, but I believe life works out as it should, and when things aren't what we wanted, we can at least take comfort in the fact that our lives are so incredibly blessed compared to a lot of people who would gladly trade spaces with us.

The Definition of a "Romantic"

I don't consider myself a "romantic". Yes, me, the woman who just posted a Valentine's Day post about how much I love the holiday.

I love love, I love the idea of love, but I don't consider myself a "romantic".

Here's why:

• I'm not huge into romantic comedies - I like some, but my nose typically turns up at them. Same with romance novels, mushy romance movies, and soap operas. Basically, if the focus of the plot is mostly around a relationship, I'll probably turn my nose up. 
• While I loveloveLOVE The Hubs, I've seen enough relationship drama and am also the product of 3 divorces (with one of those divorces reuniting, but not without some drama in-between) to know that love is not magic and requires a helluvalot of honesty and hard work. It drives me NUTS to hear people talking about love at first sight, "true love", etc.; it's delusional, in my opinion.
• I am also not super-schmoopy - I am guilty of being physically affectionate (with The Hubs and my friends - I'm a hugger!), but when it comes to my words and verbalizing my emotions... not so great, and it kind of makes me uncomfortable. Yes, even when The Hubs says sweet things - of which he does often. If I'm in the right mood, it's lovely, but if I'm not I'm all awkward and weird. 

All that said, it surprised me when my gal pal recently told me that she considered me a "romantic". Granted, we've only known each other over the last two years (so we're still getting to know each other in some regards), so there might be just her not knowing my real opinions on love (as seen above). But maybe I am, by her personal definition.

I define a romantic as basically the opposite of everything I listed above - loves the idea of romantic love in all forms of entertainment, super-schmoopy, buys into BS like "the one", isn't happy unless they're in a relationship. I am none of those things.

My gal pal has only known me while I've been the wife to The Hubs, though, and when we're together we're pretty cuddly, and I do speak quite highly of him most of the time. So in that respect, if that's how my friend defines "romantic", then yes, I am a romantic!

As with most of life, labels are how the person defines them. I don't fit my definition of the "romantic" label, but that doesn't mean I can't be romantic to my honey. I thought I did pretty sweet for V-day; The Hubs was quite happy and felt very loved. Just because I don't consider myself a romantic doesn't necessarily mean I'm not one, nor does it mean being a romantic is a bad thing!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Ah, love. Today is the day to celebrate ALL types of love, IMHO.

As a teenager, I HATED Valentine's Day as I was a perpetually single gal (Ah, the shallowness of teenage boys *sigh*). Then, my Junior year of high school, when I was still relatively new at the school, a group of new friends included me in their Valentine's Day celebrations. It was simply giving me a card and a carnation, but it totally brightened my day and I never forgot it, and the fact that there was nothing romantic involved but I could still celebrate other people I loved. Ever since, I've enjoyed Valentine's Day as a way of celebrating EVERYONE I love! Not every year, but most years I send out Valentine cards to my family and friends. Typically my mom, my grandmas, and my best gal pals. One of these years, I'm going to organize a Galentine's Day celebration.

This year's batch of Valentine's, made by MOI

Then in 2003, Valentine's Day got a whole lot sweeter when The Hubs agreed to be my Valentine. :) We were friends and coworkers for a year and a half prior, and we'd been flirting for the last half-year when, at the end of January 2003, I worked up the nerve to ask The Hubs out. We hung out after work, and I used the smooth line of asking if he'd be my Valentine that year. He said yes, we had some beverages while watching "Chasing Amy" and making out a little. (Funny sidenote: YEARS later he admitted that when we ran into each other on campus the next day and it was kind of awkward, he was considering breaking it off with me because he didn't want to ruin our friendship. Luckily for both of us, he either thought better of it or wussed out ;D)

We still consider Valentine's Day to be our official first date, even though we were already hanging out fairly regularly by then as a couple (but we were still keeping it on the DL from our coworkers 'cuz they were a bunch of gossips, and we also were still keeping things at the make-out stage because we didn't want to rush/possibly preserve friendship if we changed our minds). Our date was a movie followed by dinner cooked by me! The movie was "Daredevil"; the reason for choosing THAT gem was due to me being a huge fan of the comic book and having high hopes for the movie (which they did NOT meet). Man, The Hubs still hasn't let me live that down. The movie was a dud, but the meal was NOT.

I tried this recipe for the first time because it was easy and sounded good. Luckily it was both, and to this day it is The Hubs' favorite meal that I cook. I've made it so often that I actually have the recipe memorized. It's called Gourmet Chicken, and to be honest it's not gourmet but it's quite rich and tasty.

This V-day will be our 10th V-day together! The Hubs has requested his favorite dish to commemorate the occasion, and I am gladly obliging. I'll also be making chocolate fondue for dessert with pound cake and strawberries for dippin'. And, of course, sparkling wine! Yum! For my V-day gift to him, I bought us tickets to our local minor-league professional hockey team, which we'll go to on Saturday. Whooo!

If you're curious for the recipe for Gourmet Chicken, here it is!