How's Working Motherhood Going, You Ask?

EXHAUSTING. In the best way possible.

 I love being a mother. I love being her mother. She's the best, most beautiful, sweetest, smartest baby girl born to me EVER. (Yes, she's my first child.) Considering the road I took to get to this point, writing this is even more sweet.

One of the things preventing me from posting was that I suffered from postpartum depression. Because I don't really want to go into it, as this is a public blog and I still want to maintain SOME semblance of privacy for professional reasons, just suffice it to say that it got bad and took some time to get better. I still have bad days, but they're not nearly as bad as they were. Like, 10% of the previous level of bad, which I will GLADLY deal with to never feel like that again and to be so in love with my little girl finally. I loved her even during the PPD, but there was fear and anxiety mixed with it which confused me and hurt me.

That said, I've been receiving treatment to get better and I'm doing much better. I've been back at work for a while, and I feel like I'm almost back to my strongest when it comes to teaching, which feels great. I'm trying to find the balance, but I'm not going to lie... it's HARD. And I'm nowhere near finding it! And in sacrifice of doing my jobs of both teacher and mother, I've been neglecting my physical health. (Better that than my recently-threatened mental health, but still.) I could list all the terrible things I've been doing, but instead I'll list what unhealthy things I haven't been doing to make myself feel better:

• heroin!
• crack!
• any drugs that aren't prescribed for me!
• abusing prescribed drugs!
• forgoing any chance for sleep!
• drinking alcohol! (well, abusing alcohol - I've had maybe 1 drink a month since giving birth)
• walking around nuclear plants!
• texting while driving!
• pouring sugar directly into my mouth! (Not yet, anyway.)

 So see? I'm not THAT bad... right?

Oy, I know. It's finally getting to the point where it's not only the spirit that's willing, I'm tired of feeling gross. Plus my clothes are getting tight, and I can't afford new ones right now, so I gotta knock that crap off! Plus I have a little girl who's going to watch what I put in my mouth and want to run around being a little kid, so I need to be a good role model and be able to keep up with her.

That said, BABY STEPS.

Here's what I want to do ultimately: Eat clean food that consists of protein, vegetables, and good carbs; exercise regularly doing things I enjoy; cut out the junk food - both fast food and processed; cut out SUGAR.

For now, I'm focusing on drinking more water than soda, adding in more vegetables, and starting to incorporate exercise slowly. I want to get in some sort of cardio for 15 minutes a day. Yes, that's not a lot, but I'm THAT out of shape. (For now I'm going to play "Just Dance" on Xbox 360 Kinect - it's fun AND it makes me sweat! I might also do some beginner yoga videos on YouTube.)  I also want to do my back stretches; I have a lot of back pain that's lasted for at LEAST a month, and I need to get rid of it. Obviously, losing weight would help, but when I focus on weight loss I tend to fail quicker. Focusing on building healthy habits keeps me sane while also having the nice side effect of losing a little weight.

Yeah, this totally detracted from talking about my beautiful girl and motherhood. What can I say, I need to be a good, healthy person, and that will help me be a good mother ultimately. Besides, this would be even MORE boring if all I did was talk about how beautiful and perfect my child is - which no one will believe because all parents are biased when, in fact, my child IS the most beautiful and perfect 6-month-old ever. ;D

Wish me luck in my health pursuits! I've got a lot of unhealthy demons to blast.

Mommy Guilt

I can't stop feeling guilty. 

Like right now, the baby is sleeping, and instead of doing something productive I'm typing out my feelings. 

Am I not giving her enough tummy time? Am I encouraging her growth properly or am I stifling it?

Am I watching too much TV with her in the room? (Probably.)

How can I bear to leave her alone with her dad just so I can have some time alone? Or even more evil, so I can sleep?

How can I leave my child in the care of another and go back to work? This is looming over my head right now, as my maternity leave ends in 2 weeks from today. I miss my job, but it's a demanding job that requires a lot of attention, and I resent it a little already because I'm trying to figure out how to split my time so my job duties and MY CHILD aren't neglected. And it makes me feel like a bad mother already. 

I'm just so tired of feeling guilty all the time. No one is making me feel guilty other than me, and I am my worse critic. She is healthy and (I think) happy, and she appears to feel safe and secure in my arms. I just worry about everything. She deserves the world, and I feel incapable of giving it to her. 

 

What I've Learned in the First Month of Parenthood

Our beautiful little blessing turned 1 month old, and I've learned a lot in this first month about being a parent. Obviously, I will continue to learn with each passing day, but for now let's just focus on this month's lessons learned. 

- The Hubs is an angel in human form. He is keeping me sane and making sure I take care of myself. 

- Babies are the only age group that can get away with farting and burping and it actually be considered adorable. 

- Babies are surprisingly strong burpers  and farters, and both sounds are HILARIOUS when they come from something so tiny. 

- At some point you can get used to only getting 3 hours of sleep at a time. The last time I slept for longer than 3 hours was my birthday, and that was because it was my birthday present (The Hubs woke up with her and gave her a bottle instead). It was actually almost too much sleep after 3 weeks of not getting that kind of sleep, and I got a little sick due to the overindulgence. 

- Your parents will (gently) laugh and roll their eyes at your fretting because they know EXACTLY how you feel. 

- People love to buy baby clothes because they're adorable, and she will probably outgrow them before she gets to wear them more than once. 

- Also, baby clothes sizing is insane - some brands are tight while others are still big and they're supposedly the same size! Sheesh. 

- If you're lucky, your loved ones will bring you food when they visit. If you're REALLY lucky, they'll clean your house. We were REALLY lucky! ;)

- Every thing you do for yourself (e.g., leaving her in the bassinet so you can pee) will make you feel guilty and like a bad parent, no matter how necessary or inconsequential. 

- You are stronger than you realize, even as you cry and cry, as you watch your 2-week-old go through blood tests, IVs, and catheters to make sure she's ultimately ok (which she is now, thank goodness, but I never want to have to take her to the hospital again. It was a mere UTI, but in someone so young they have to make sure the infection doesn't spread, hence all the horrible tests.) You also again realize how blessed you are by The Hubs. Seriously, I will figure out how to clone his heart and brain into duplicate bodies of hot celebrities, then sell him as a mail-order groom and we will become GAZILLIONAIRES. 

- You will miss your baby when it is sleeping in its bassinet and you finally have time to sit and do something for yourself. You will also still check its breathing every 10 minutes despite all the precautions you took before placing her in there. 

- You will miss your partner even when they're sitting in the same room as you. We have resolved this by cuddling on the couch when she's sleeping. 

- The best part of the day is any moment holding her when she's not crying. When she's crying and being in your arms starts to soothe her, and she burrows into you and sighs. When she falls asleep on your chest listening to your heartbeat, and you smell the top of her head and inhale the sweetness that emanates. All the good moments outweigh the lack of sleep and stress of keeping this tiny human safe. 

And to think there is still so much to learn. 

What's Happening Lately - 8 Months Overdue Edition

SO. Long time no post! I doubt anyone's reading this at this point (and why would you? I never update!), but what the hell, let's catch up.

• I put on my first play! It was a middle school play, and it was terrible, but I learned from it and I'm still proud of myself for getting it on. I'm putting on another play this spring, and I'm about as prepared now as I was for the last one, but I will start working on it next month. Right now I'm a little busy. 
• Despite my terrible debut, I was hired back at my job! This is my first time returning to a teaching position, and I couldn't have been more thrilled. I really love the student population and my coworkers, so I was so excited to be asked back, and I worked my butt off for a fair amount of the summer to prepare for the school year. I'm so excited to be a contributor to making my school the best program it can be. To the point where my current big life change makes me feel a little guilty that I can't devote myself to contributing as much as I want to (but they're totally accepting and understanding of it at my school, which makes me want to do as much as I can with what time I can devote there)! At the moment, though, I'm not at work and I won't be back until December. Why? Well...
• I kind of hinted in my last entry at some news I wanted to share but couldn't share? Well, I can finally share it!
  
  
  
  
  
  And I'm 8 months overdue on it! Not only was I pregnant, but I gave birth! Yeah, I'm WAY behind. I wrote my last entry when I was just 6 weeks, and we hadn't gone to the doctor yet to get the official "Yup, you're knocked up" confirmation yet. But I'd taken 3 pregnancy tests and they'd all come out positive, so it was looking fairly good. Luckily, it stuck and our beautiful baby girl was born just on the brink of the Libra astrology time frame. As silly as it sounds, I love that she was born a Libra, as I am a Libra as well and I think Libras are awesome.
  
  I wish I'd posted while pregnant, but there wasn't much to post and I was just so tired I usually slept when I had a free moment. I was lucky in that most of the pregnancy was easy until the last few months. I had gestational diabetes, which required insulin injections (ow) and twice weekly non-stress tests (ugh), but that was about as hard as it got. Not saying I want to jump right into the next pregnancy, but I'm hoping if we are lucky enough to have a second one (planned or happy accident) that it will be similarly easy.
  
  The Hubs and I love being parents so far, as exhausting as it is. She's the cutest baby ever, of course, because she's our baby and we're totally biased, but she gets lots of compliments from strangers so we're feeling pretty good that it's not just our bias blinding us and that she is, in fact, adorable. So far she's a good baby, too. She's a good sleeper and a good eater, and when she's fussy it's usually easily resolved. Babies are fairly simple - they're either hungry, wet, gassy, or lonely. The only problem is figuring out which one is the issue in order to stop the crying. ;) Whichever scientist creates a legitimate baby translator will win the Nobel Prize that year, I swear.
• Speaking of Libras, tomorrow is my 33rd birthday! I usually live for my birthday, but I'm too braindead and tired from the little angel pictured above to really give a crap at the moment. The Hubs has promised to pick up dinner from wherever I want for dinner, and I think I'll treat myself to a long shower and an attempt at shaving my legs. I haven't shaved them since I was at least 8 months pregnant, because it hurt to bend over. I could braid my leg hair at this point. Otherwise, eh. I'm too tired to care, and leaving the house with a newborn is just too daunting a task right now. I know we need to leave the house eventually for reasons other than her pediatric appointments, but I'm still not quite ready. Luckily, most people are willing to come to us, which I greatly appreciate. 

So yes, I've gone from a Hot Mess Housewife to a Hot Mess Momma! We'll see how it goes, but I will post cute stories when I have a moment. No guarantees! But I want those who've been through it to have the opportunity to laugh at my naivety, of course. 

What's Happening Lately

This'll be quick, because I have lesson planning to do if I want to go have fun at the super bowl party we're going to today. :)

• Life has been crazy. End of the semester/transition to the new semester is always hectic because of grades being due, classes changing, etc. I have a crazy amount of work, and it's my own dumb fault for wanting to prep certain classes differently, so I'm really giving myself more work than I need to. But, you know, I want to teach my students the best I can, so it's a Catch-22. Still, things should be calming down work-wise... until I get the next big project that should arrive any day now. If I can get ahead of grading and planning a little bit, though, life will be easier. 
• I have been taking full advantage of my weekends, though. Teacher guilt makes me want to be in the classroom, though, haha. Luckily, my tiredness wins out and I force myself to rest (aside from lesson planning, which I actually enjoy because I'm a weirdo).
• Still house-(rental)hunting. The few we've attempted to rent had already been snatched up, but here's hoping we will find one soon. We need the space, and soon! Not that I'm looking forward to all the packing and lifting, but it'll be worth it when we find the right place for us. 
• Do you ever have huge news, but you have to sit on it because it's not 100% confirmed yet? We're in that situation right now. I hope it gets confirmed, and that we can share it sooner rather than later. Please keep your fingers crossed/say prayers for us/do a rain dance/whatever for us!

More when I have time. Duty calls!