On turning 29

So.

The 14th was my 29th birthday.

It wasn't a BAD birthday, but it wasn't a great one, either. (The days that followed were great, though! We were in Southern CA for vacation, and it was lovely.) The actual day was a little depressing - because we were traveling, we didn't really have time to do much, and since I didn't really tell people it was my birthday, I didn't get a ton of birthday wishes, either. I feel like a dork for being sad about it, but I'm also going to be honest that I was, in fact, sad about it. My favorite people wished me a happy birthday, though, and that made me feel special.

The other thing that kind of dragged the actual day down was just thinking about how this is the year before the birthday all women are supposed to be afraid of - the one before the big 3-0. It bugs me more than it should, because I've found out some things recently that affect how I need to pursue certain goals, and I've also made some choices about who's in my life and who isn't... and the ramifications of those choices are still working their way through and I'm not sure how I feel about how they're working out yet. Add in some financial woes and the stress of preparing for the trip (arranging for a substitute teacher is more work than just BEING there, swear to god), and just realizing that this isn't where I thought I'd be so close to a monumental age. The timing of my birthday was surrounded by sorrow rather than joy.

What can I say, my birthdays of late have brought around a lot of self-introspection. I thought I'd be different at this point, but a lot of my issues are still the same; hell, I think I'm actually REGRESSING in a lot of areas! UGH. I feel less mature and farther behind rather than the other way around. Isn't it SUPPOSED to be the other way around?

Anyway, I'm not actually trying to be a sad sap, I swear!  I mean, yeah, I'm bemoaning it a bit, but we're (HOPEFULLY) at the tail end of a rough couple of years, and as we try to get our goals back on track, I'm wondering if I'm going to hit the markers that I wanted to hit by the big 3-0.

What, exactly, do I want to have accomplished by the time I turn 30?

1. Visit Europe
2. Pay down most of our debt
3. Move into a bigger place, preferably a house (rental is fine, I just want a bigger place that feels more like a home, dammit!)
4. Get pregnant

The likelihood of these 4 things actually happening:

1. Probably not in the next year
2. a good chunk, very possible with some sacrificing; all will take a little longer (and kind of makes #1 hard to accomplish! =P)
3. Very likely, as we're either moving closer to my current job (if I'm not pink-slipped - thanks budget cuts!) or moving for a new job.
4. Possible, but depends on health issues that need resolving first.

So what's the point of all this navel-gazing? I dunno, actually. Just want to get stuff out, try to find the brighter side of things. I don't want to be 30 and still hating myself. So either I need to accept myself as I am, or make the changes that drive me nuts.

First step: Some god-damn therapy! I sound like a crazy person. GRAR. Seriously, though, I think some counseling could really help me through my issues.Trying on my own results in me basically getting overwhelmed and, well, NOT TRYING. Ha.

So I'm at 356 days from my 30th birthday. Hopefully I'll be measurably closer to where I want to be by then.