Sunday, April 15, 2012

Waiting and Fighting the Green Monster

I haven't posted much because I've been thinking too much. I know that doesn't make sense, but it's one of those things where it feels lame to do nothing but navel-gaze when I try to keep this blog somewhat light and flip.

I'm in another "waiting" period. The temp work has ran out, and what I've started to refer to as "hunting season" is kicking in again. "Hunting season" being teaching positions opening up... slowly but surely. I've decided to attack it from a more active angle than before, like revising and customizing my cover letters when needed and trying to form some generic learning units that can be modified easily so if I get hired at the last minute yet again I have SOMEWHERE to start from. It's admittedly hard to overcome the fear of rejection, though... Like I almost don't want to bother because it's just going to be like last year, right? BUT I really don't think it will be if I put my best foot forward. I already had one job interview for a summer camp teaching position, and I feel like it went well. Even if I don't get the job, it at least helped me get my feet wet again.

It's not just job stuff I'm waiting on, either. I'm treating my medical stuff, and one of the things we have to wait for with this treatment is if it'll help me with my fertility. (That's not the main issue, but it's all related in its own weird way.) So now I sit and wait... then I will have to sit and wait when we see if the initial plan worked. If it doesn't, then we look to something else. But, again, this is so frustrating because I have to wait to see if I all it took was some medicine to help boost my fertility (amongst other things), or if we need to take increasingly drastic measures. This is on top of no less than FOUR people in my life who have babies on the way, which is hard to watch. It makes me feel like a bad person, because they have something I want so badly that I fear I might not be able to have AT ALL (at least naturally), and it came so easily for all of them (or so it seems, I obviously don't know and it's not my business, either). My jealousy seethes, and I hate myself for it.

I don't like when what I call "the green monster" shows up. I don't consider myself a jealous person, and yet I'm experiencing it a lot lately. Same with the job stuff, truth be told - I don't envy EVERYONE with a job, but I do envy those I know in the teaching profession who have been in it the same amount of time who have been able to maintain steady work. Even when I know it came with its own stresses (i.e., pink-slipped every year and hoping they got their job back), the green monster doesn't recognize that because I also got pink-slipped and wasn't as lucky. It hurts. My heart physically hurts, yet I know it's wrong to resent people for things beyond my control... but I do. I go through these periods where I resent people that I like, admire, or even downright love like brothers and sisters, and I feel awful. At the same time, though, when they experience success I also feel incredibly happy for them. Usually the happiness edges out the envy, but not by much some days.

I know part of this stems from Millenial-generation entitlement; "I did everything I was supposed to, where's my reward?" So I'm trying to shake it, but I'm human and I fail. For all my moments of mopey "Woe is me, my life's so hard", there are almost as many moments of "It could be a LOT worse, and there's a lot of greatness around me as well". I just have a pessimistic attitude more often than I'd like. But when I'm in the throes of such negative thinking, I don't really want to spread my bad attitude around - even viral via a blog.

Everything will work out as it's supposed to, even if it's not what I thought I wanted. My life has resulted in this point because it's where I'm supposed to be, even if I don't like it. I'm going to control what I can, and hopefully I will find peace in that.

I'll be ok.


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